Left Femur X-ray’s > Diagram

My Halo

I think back to over a year ago, and I remember one day so clearly. The day that has been branded “the worst day of my life”. That “worst day” has had a tremendous impact on my life. It has governed every decision Ive made since then. The effects of that “worst day” still linger like a sour taste in my mouth. So many little choices lead up to that day. A lot of little choices that would be considered irrelevant to the course. A handful of minuscule unplanned events that lead to that exact spot, on June 6th 2008. Where my father had left at the right time which would put him passing me at the exact moment the car in front of me hit the brakes. There are so many little details which laid the course of that day. (just for the record I do not blame my father for what happened that day)

Now, exactly one year and four months later, October 6th, 2009, I will be undergoing a second surgery. It will be an attempt to salvage my leg, and give me the ability to walk again. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work any better than the first but it is my best option. Here is the doctors plan- The gap in the original break (which is about three inches) is too great and from the trauma will not heal on its own. The goal is to shrink the gap and compress the two broken ends together. I have to create three fresh inches of bone.

First he will remove the metal plates and screws that are currently in my leg. Then he will run a metal rod through the center of my bone. He will break my femur up high to make the bridging site. The middle piece which is now separated at the top and bottom will continue to heal at the top as it is slowly slid down the metal rod. It will continue to “lengthen” until the two ends reach creating the docking site. In order to adjust the middle piece I will be outfitted with an external fixator aka, a halo. I am to wear the halo until the two ends reach each other. More than likely, once my leg is healed my knee will no longer bend so I will then have to undergo knee surgery… The doctor said it could be two more years from now before I can walk normal again.

- External Fixator “halo”

///Clay///

I Hate Baseball And Its Curve-Ball

Its been a while since I’ve made my last entry… Life seemed to become a little more “normal” filled with errands, work, and school. We even played with the idea of buying a house. I felt like that even though I wasn’t 100 percent physically, I was living my life like I used to (just slightly more busy). Once again life throws a curve-ball at me. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan.

I am reaching the end of my summer school classes and have already registered for Fall classes. Five to be exact. That’s a lot of classes, but luckily for me right at the same time I will be getting laid off from work. That way I can focus directly on school. It seems as though the tough times the country is facing has reached me in my job. Yet it all seemed to be working out. Kathryn works and makes enough to support both of us while I finish school.

Another up-side is the fact that now Kathryn has insurance so I can move forward with my “bum” leg. In fact I had my first doctor visit today through Dr. Vander-something… I’ll just call him Dr.Van. Dr.Van was one of the doctors recommended to me by my friend Daniel. Dr.Van did some X-rays and gave me his diagnosis. HERE’S WHERE THE CURVE-BALL COMES IN. It turns out my leg is worse off than I thought. The rundown is my femur bone is all funky and has not been growing so I need a bone graft(I expected that) and my alignment of the plate and my knee are slightly off. Off by a mere 6 degrees causing a slight bowed leg. This is damaging my knee and will cause severe arthritis on one side. Dr.Van is sending me to see a doctor in Houston who he says is one of the best to deal with my “delicate” disaster. Dr.Van says I have two options. I can take the long safe route, or the shorter and less predictable route. The long route is to have the obvious bone graft, and have the metal removed from my leg so it can be realigned and then install an external fixator. The shorter path is to have the afore said bone graft, and a repeat of my original surgery. Go in remove the metal, realign everything and put in new metal plates and screws. Either way I have to have extensive surgery with another lovely week stay in the hospital. Its the anti-vacation resort.

Now lets step back and take a look at the full spectrum of this proceeding. All the goals I have been setting up are now being altered or postponed. As far as my normality goes, its being sent back to square one. Then theres school… I have to go and explain that I have to drop my classes so I can have surgery (hoping that I can still finish under the same parameters I originally set up). House hunting, well you can just forget that. Even though we have insurance its still gonna take bite out of our money. One thing I have learned about planning is that, “the only thing that you can rely on in life to not change is the fact that everything will change”. Your mindset will change, plans will change, the course you follow will change. This rearrangement scares me. I am afraid of the pain I have to endure for the second time. The nightmare of my past comes alive to haunt me once more.

“Everything Changes”

Lifeless Like A Corpse

It seems that lately my mind has been stuck in some sort of rut. I haven’t had any new insights, or even felt like Ive grown or changed in any way the past month…. The lack of inspiration has caused a lack of thoughts and ideas for writing in my journal. I feel like I have been coasting through this past month on autopilot. Stuck in a mundane routine that is draining the very life-force out of me. I like things being simple, and leading a fairly simple life. Too much complexity would just cause stress and unhappiness in life but it seems that the opposite is true as well. It seems that life has been too simple this past month… So simple that I feel dead. Reluctant to get out of bed and once I am out of bed I dont want to move or do anything. If I didnt know any better I would say that these were symptoms of depression. No… the lack of motivation has seemingly spread. Infecting me like a virus turning the many quiet hours where I sit at home and wait for fellowship from my wife into a poison. a poison that is eating my morale and consuming my energy.

In light of all these things it appears the natural course of life is about to change all that. My non-existent life is being rolled up into a ball and tossed into the flames. I am going from nothing to having a full-time schedule, filled with work and studying of things that make absolutely no sense to me. The mundane routine that has been the center of this void is about to be disfigured and rearranged to create a pattern of change and filled schedules. I pray that this drastic change wont take a toll on me. That this disruption in my current pattern will not be too complex to where life is not enjoyable.

“blank”

///Clay///

Christian Love

Love. The Core of a Christians life. A word that has lost its meaning in the modern world. What makes Christian love different from the rest of the world? The only one who can give the perfect answer would be Christ Himself. For we all are human; filled with error and sin. How many times do Christians abandon Christian LOVE? Too often we mold the Christian life to our design, which ultimately disgraces God. We cant reflect God without showing the love of Christ- THE CHRISTIAN LOVE. I want to look at Love from the view of Jesus.

How can you learn about the Core of a Christian life? The best place to start would be 1 Corinthians 13, aka the Love Chapter. Look at what Love IS. It is patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hoping, preserving, it always rejoices in truth, and it does not keep record of wrong doing. How many people in the world ALWAYS follow at least half of these? The answer is no one. There might be a time where you are following every single one, but how long is it till you slip? Lets break down each one.

Patient

“Patience is a virtue”, the phrase everyone hears growing up. The definition of patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset. The key here is to tolerate without getting angry. People believe because they can compose themselves on the outside (while feeling irritated or angry on the inside) and tolerate someone or something, they are demonstrating patience. Wrong!!! To truly be patient you have to stay composed on the inside as well as the outside. When we are not being patient we tend to break a couple of the other ones. We stop being kind, we attack instead of protect, and we seem to remember all of their other faults right about now. In our lack of patience we tend to be rude and talk down to one another. I know a family, that will go unmentioned, that talks to each other in a belittling and degrading way. The parents and children all disrespect each other, talking as if the other were a stupid and pathetic person. I hate being around them when this is happening but what am I to say? Would they listen or even believe me?

If we can truly regard ourselves as humble servants and that we are to uplift others, then maybe we will be able to be patient in love. Look at how a young girl going through puberty treats a jock she is completely  infatuated with, especially if he is a jerk. She constantly put herself aside and ignore the short comings of this jerk. Why? Because she holds him up on a pedestal (for the wrong reasons). Now obviously she is making a mistake but if the Christian could take the principle behind this and put everyone else above themselves then we would be like Christ.

Kind

Love is kind. The definition of kind is, having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature. To be kind is to be careful not to inconvenience or hurt others. Here we can see clearly the Core problem that keeps us from showing love, and that is Selfishness. Selfishness is what our human nature is built off of. The fall of man was caused by the greed to know all things like God. Greed is just another word for selfishness. Self is what causes sin, and prohibits love. How often are we actually concerned about what inconveniences another person? If we are full heartily seeking God then we should want to help others. Too many times we make self-righteous judgments and look down on one other. This gives us the “I am better than you” complex, leading us to treat people rudely instead of with kindness and compassion. In order to truly be kind in the Christian love, you must extend it to the people outside of your social group. Even the sinners love those who love them. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 5.

Protecting/Preserving

To protect/preserve is to keep safe from harm or injury. It is obvious how you apply this to your close friends and family, but how do you show it to the world? The kingdom of Heaven is available to the whole world if they accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. It is our job to bring the Word of God to the world so that they may be saved. the Word of God is their only defense against sin. Without Christ as their “lawyer” before the Judge, they are doomed to eternal damnation. In exhibiting Christian Love we should have the desire to protect them from their chosen destination. Once again in our self-righteous judgment we see them unworthy of Gods gift. How dare we condemn the blind to walk off the cliff. Shall we call ourselves murderers? Let us extend our hands out to the lost; show them the door Jesus is knocking on. If they refuse then they have made their decision, but should we stop praying for them? Never! Let us preserve the Word of God in our hearts so the we may be mirrors reflecting the light of Christ.

Trusting/Hoping

To trust is to believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trust and hope are apart of faith. It means believing the best of it all. When we pray to God and it feels like there was no answer to our prayer we are to trust that he knows whats best. We need to let Him do His will and just have faith. No matter the circumstance we should have a positive outlook and know that all things happen for a reason and hope for the best. When we look out at the world the same still applies. This doesnt mean believe every little lie that is told to you because you are to assume the best. Rather, take each person and situation and look at it from the most positive perspective. Someone treats you like garbage- Should you judge this person as rude? No you should believe that they must of had a bad day and you happened to be there to see it. We shouldnt judge based on things we think or see, but only on those things that we know are facts.

It always rejoices in truth/ It does not keep record of wrong

These two are self explanatory… Yet we tend to get mad at truth when it is correcting us, like the pharisees being corrected by Jesus. Here is where pride comes into play.  Having pride is being pleased with yourself, dwelling on your achievements, thinking about you, you, you, you… And we are right back at selfishness. It is truly our self-seeking ways that keep us from unconditional love.

We also tend to keep a detailed record book, for each individual person we know, that is kept in the bitterness file cabinet. When someone does something that makes us angry and we hold on to it, that becomes bitterness. The Bible says not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. If we hold on to it we are making a record of it and we file it away in bitterness. The cabinet needs to be locked up and the key needs to be thrown away. There is nothing in that cabinet except self-gratification. Theres that word again, SELF.

Self has got to GO

The Bible talks about in Romans 14 that we should be able make adjustments about our life not because its sinful but for the love and respect of our brothers. This can never be achieved if we put ourselves at the center. It was true when they said the nice guy finishes last. To live like Christ we must put ourselves last. Oh how beautiful it would be if all Christians lived fully devoted to God, with self placed on the shelf.

“Love’s Achilles Heel is Selfishness”

///Clay///

Donuts- A Gift From God

Last Sunday I got out of bed 20 minutes before I was supposed to be at Church. I threw myself together and hit the door. On the drive there my stomach began to complain about the lack of attention it got. I  thought to myself oh this was a bad idea, I should of grabbed a banana or something!! We arrive one minute before Sunday School is scheduled to start(not that it ever starts on time). As we sit in the classroom I begin to pray quietly, “Lord, please don’t let this hunger distract me from you today”. Just as I finish praying the Assistant Pastor from another class walks into the room with a box of donuts and says, “Anybody want some donuts? We had one box too many”.

Now the Lord gave me something to eat to calm my stomach and let me listen to the message. I asked and recieved in the name of Jesus, but look at that a little more closely! I didn’t pray a selfish prayer, I didnt even asked to be fed. Instead I asked that He wont let me be distracted. My prayer wasn’t about me but rather about respect for God’s Word. I wanted to be able to recieve his Word.  My heart was right when I made the prayer and He rewarded me with His blessing (which happen to be donuts). This should be applied to every prayer that we make. Our heart should be seeking Him, not some personal hidden agenda, or self gain.

“Prayer Works”

///Clay///

To Live Like Jesus

I find that if your not constantly thinking about Christ throughout the day, it is very easy to sin. Recently my mind has been ever focused on the things of God and I notice a lot of things that I have to watch out for.

>It starts with your mood when you wake up in the morning, immediately you must consider how your mood is going to affect your decisions, so I start by singing a song to God or by praying.(Lately that song has been Hands And Feet, by Audio Adrenaline) Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

>You constantly have to keep watch on what thoughts flood your mind. Which also means you need to control what you allow yourself to hear and see. Mostly music and television… I find the best cure is not to listen to any secular music or watch any tv. I do however have one show a week I watch and I love to go see movies. Also thoughts can contribute to actions, if you control your thoughts this should keep you from reaching in the “cookie jar”. Hebrews 4:12 For the Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

> Being selfish is a big one! Interaction with the people around you can cause selfishness. You should always be there with love and respect to those around you, even your enemies. Love is a big part of this. The definition of the phrase “for love” for pleasure not profit. If you focus on the fact that you love “insert person here”, whether they are your friend or not it should please you to do things for them. It pleases me to make you happy because I love you. Philipians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

> Pride… It is hard to keep yourself in a position of humility. It is a good practice to constantly remind yourself that you are here as a servant of the Lord, Ambassadors from Heaven. We are here to promote all things Holy. Pride also keeps others from helping you when you make mistakes and need correction. Proverbs 10:17 He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads other astray.

>In the constant flow of life it is easy to forget to pray. Prayer is essential to our relationship with God. Instead of thinking things to yourself through the day direct those thoughts to God, which by proxy will help control thoughts you shouldn’t have. This action keeps you in constant contact with God helping you develop righteous habits. I Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful; pray continually

> What you condone. If those that are close to you tell you things not of God and you don’t do anything about it, you are in a sense condoning their actions against God. Titus 2:1 You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine.

“Taking up the cross daily”

///Clay///

The Nails Of Christ

I have always believed that Jesus had the nails in the palms of his hand just like the Bible says they were. Many people will argue that fact. Honestly I feel people focus on it too much. I mean does it really matter where the were? Anyway I just wanted to say that I will always believe they were in the hands and there has been new “scientific” evidence to prove it. The following is from an article done by some researchers. I found it interesting and think people should give it some consideration.

Although the case of Jehohanan* showed that victims’ feet were nailed, what about the hands? In the Gospel of John, the apostle Thomas refers to the nail holes in Jesus’ hands. In the 1930s, experiments conducted with cadavers led researcher Pierre Barbet to conclude that nails driven through the palms of the hands could not have supported the weight of the arms and upper body —and that the nails were more likely driven through the wrists, which would have lent more support.

Crucifixologists also believed that the weight of the victim’s body pulled down on the diaphragm, making it increasingly difficult for him to breathe and leading to death by asphyxiation.

A change of heart
More recently, however, researchers have come around to the view that the nailed feet provided enough support for the body, and that the hands could have been merely tied. “Quest for Truth” uses the Visible Human Project to show that putting nails through the palms would have resulted in maximum nerve damage and pain.

“The cruelty of the Romans would have led them to find the palms of the hands as the most painful part,” Reed said. He suggested that the Romans also used wooden washers to make sure the hands and the feet couldn’t be pulled away from the nails.

All that pain and exposure would have led to a condition called hypovolemic shock, based on tests that pathologist Frederick Zugibe conducted on student volunteers under closely monitored lab conditions. Blood pressure would drop, leading to irreversible organ damage, heart stoppage and death. Piercing Jesus’ side would release the pooled blood and fluid, just as described in the Gospels.

***The man that they mention, Jehohanan, is someone whos bones were dicovered. According to historians he died from crucifixion 7 A.D.

“Believe what you want. Either way He died a horrible death for our sins”

///Clay///

Fellowship Of The Narrow Path

Just the other day I had asked a friend how was his life with God, and replied that it wasn’t where it should be. He told me that he tries to straighten up, but cant stay focused and ends right back where he was. This is the simile he used; “Its like having your car stuck in a hole, You gain momentum and start getting out then it just starts to slide right back in”. I heard this and had to think about it. MY RESPONSE- What do you do when your car gets stuck in a ditch? You call a tow truck to pull you out!

I told him that I as a fellow believer could be his “tow truck”; the friend who is there to help make sure you don’t fall. Every time there is a struggle you turn to your brother until you regain your footing. You see this is my perception of what a church is. A group of people who all make mistakes, who are all there to help keep each other right in God’s eyes.  A church can’t reach out to the lost until they have reached to all of their own first. Once all of the Church becomes a community, they can begin to work together to fulfill God’s purpose. One little candle isn’t enough to light a whole house, but if you get 5 or 6 working together the house WILL be lit.

“one little candle”

///Clay///

Fourth Time’s The Charm?

So today was very interesting… Yes interesting will be the word. 

My hair had been bothering me and never stayed just the way I wanted it. It always grew too fast, so of course the logical thing to do was get it cut. That’s a simple task, right? I walked into Super-Cuts and asked for short spiky hair. “I want a 1/4 inch on the sides and an inch on top. Leave the sideburns.”   The lady who looked completely Zombi-fied, responds, “kay”. 

ATTEMPT #1- I’m watching her cut my hair and I don’t want to be rude but I am certain she is using the wrong size… So I wait. Buzz…… “Hows that?”, she asks. I try to keep my cool but it was obvious she didnt even listen to me. I look into the mirror and see all she did was a trim…

ATTEMPT #2- BUZZ………………… “How’s That?”…. Once again she gave me a trim off of my trim. I tell her I want it to be a fourth on the sides and the other lady over hears me and tells her to use a number 2.

ATTEMPT #3-  Buzz……. “hows that?” She shaves up half the way on the sides and finally cuts the top to the right length, but does not fade in the two different lengths. I’m starring at myself with a short version of the chinese bowl cut, with untouched bushy sideburns… Now I’m pretty sure that when you tell someone to leave the sideburns they still know to cut the hair down to size but not tamper with how far down it comes. She literally just left them as they were! I have no idea what this woman is thinking but is clear that nothing I am saying is registering inside…

ATTEMPT #4- Buzz……. She cleans up the sideburns and finally brings the fade in, but before she could say -how’s that, I tell her to bring the fade up a little… Finally we are done! I have never had that much trouble with my hair before. It took soo long, I mean the other lady saw three different people while I was being done. 

“longest hair cut ever”

///Clay///

The Burdens That Mold Life

There just seems to be so much uncertainty in my life right now. I feel like I’ve lost my direction… in the past I have always had some kind of plan laid out on how my future would unfold and for the most part I would stick with it. My finances, my living situation, job related stuff, etc. I kept it all in perspective to my personal and simple needs. Now more than ever I find I have to rely on God and not my own self,  because I no longer have a set perspective on how things should go or what I am aiming for. I have to trust that Christ will lead me to the right course of action. It’s hard not to get overwhelmed in thoughts of everything that has built up around me. Its like walls of steel cutting me off from the outside and no matter how hard I scream no one will hear me. There is just too much to handle in the big picture! I must give it to God and he will work me through it in small bites (EASIER SAID THAN DONE). I just need alot of prayer from everyone. In hopes that blessing are just around the corner I will stay optimistic!

“Where will this cripple be next?”

///Clay///

Defining2008/ For Better Or For Worse

///2008///

I must say that this has been the most eventful year of my life. I have had my Best and Worst experiences this year. I will make top ten of each just for fun.

WORST

10. On the day of my accident I had to go to training… we had a two minute survival drill. I had to fight off two Beastly guys, and well lets say they left me with quite a headache. They kicked my butt

9. After my accident I filled out and dealt with all types of paperwork for Social Security but still didn’t get approved… jerks

8. Over the course of the year I had gotten 6 traffic violation tickets… hee hee oops. I can’t even remember what they were for

7. My stupid and selfish self decided that I wanted a cool bike so I sold my only car for it. The Mustang GT… Oh well things happen for a reason and I would not be where I am now if I hadn’t

6. Because of obvious circumstances I lost my home with my brother Daniel… had to move back with my parents for the third time

5. Plain and simple…. Osama won the election, oops I mean OBAMA

4. This one is a biggie for me personally… I gained twenty pounds of FAT all in my stomach. YEP I have a gut

3. I lost my job at NASA… they didnt care

2. IKE hit the coast… It took my family’s home, my backup car, my other motorcycle, and thousands of dollars worth of other belongings of mine.

1. NUMBER ONE!!! the most obvious of all, the motorcycle accident which has left me starting the new year crippled.

BEST-

10. I started a cool collection of canes. My two favorite would have to be the glass one and the one with flames

9. I have gotten a better relationship with my in-laws through everything that has happened.

8. I got a computer, a MAC to be more precise. I love it I have spent a lot of time making fun music

7. When I worked for the mall I got promoted to a Supervisor =) That is really good for a resume

6. Even though there a bunch of “little” things that could be fixed, I got a really cool car 1987 Camaro IROC-Z. It has a nice big 350 V8 engine… “Manly Chuckles” >=D

5. Through one of my Wife’s friends we were led to a home Church.

4. Through all the things in my life especially this year I had all my closest friends there for me whenever I needed them. Except when I lived with Daniel, he was never home. HA!

3. God blessed me greatly! I had almost $80,000 in medical bills and God took it all away! I owe nothing. Thank you Jesus =D

2. I went on my first cruise! It was for my honeymoon, and we had a blast! YAY I love boats!!!

1. The Number ONE best thing that has happened for 2008, is that I got to make my best friend and the love of my life, MY WIFE. I can’t be without her

“A roller-coaster year”

///Clay///

Walking At The Speed Of Turtle

Recovery… That’s a big word. The return to a normal state of health, mind, and strength; recovery. So what exactly am I recovering to? Its very obvious that things will never be quite like it used to be. In fact there is no way to know what the end result will look like. I can’t recover to the normality I used to have. I will recover to a new state of “normal”, but what will it look like? According to the Doctor, there is only a small chance that I will regain my full leg use and motion again. As it stands right now it doesn’t seem like I will have full motion again. In fact I will probably forever feel chronic pain in my knee and have limited bending. Which also tells me that I will likely always have a cane handy to help relieve the pressure on my knee. No more running around or jumping… Too much wear and I will have to have knee replacement surgery. People just don’t seem to understand the extent in which my leg was broken to. I turned it into shards that ripped through my leg tissue and muscle. Not something easy to “recover” from. I don’t have a problem accepting the fact that I can’t be running around, its just crazy to think about how much of an impact it has made on my future. The cool thing is I get to collect cool looking canes, and will probably always get to park in the handicap zone =). Having a bum leg isn’t so bad, it helps give new connotation to the world around me. 

“The New Normal”

///Clay///

My Way Or The Highway

Opinions

Everybody has their own opinion about everything. Opinions are good and help define who we are, and getting someone else’s opinion is nice. Unless it wasn’t asked for… All the time I hear “you NEED…-opinion attached here-”. Since when are the things I “NEED” everyone else’s inclination? If they want to express their opinion, they should say “should” instead. People believe that their way is the best way and it will work the same for everyone. NO! Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean I will have the same ramification. You need to cut your hair, you need a different job, you need a new car, you need a new girlfriend, you need to eat more/less… I have had enough of those. 

“I NEED a break from outside perspective”

///Clay///

The Place Where Domestic Affections Are Centered

///I SEE 911///

Its about two weeks before Hurricane IKE

makes its devastating landfall

I am just spending plenty of time at home not concerned with anything but my progress to recovery. I notice a strange reoccurring event. Every night I look at the clock at exactly 9:11pm. The first three times didn’t phase me but by the fourth night it began to feel unusual. I continued to see the clock at exactly 9:11 everyday up through September 10th.

9/11/08- I wake up that morning quite early to check out the news on the storm. We realize that we have no choice but to evacuate. My family makes the move to stay with my Moms family in Odessa and Kathryn and I will be in Pasadena with her family. We pack the needed items, mostly clothes and important documents, etc, and head out.

9/12/08- We all gather in front of the TV and watch IKE lurk in the gulf. The storm hits and the electricity is exterminated.

9/14/08- I can’t take the anxiety of not knowing whats happened to my home. Kathryn and I make are way to my family’s home. Once we arrive we immediately notice the water line on the door… water had made it in the house. I struggle to get up the damaged front steps and open the front door. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The house was filled with warm rancid smell of fish and rotting food, and sludgy mud blanketing the floor. My insides turned sour as I peered into the house. Unable to enter the slippery floors with my broken leg, Kathryn ventured in alone to take pictures of the damage. The floors were bubbled and warped, and the walls were soaked in salt water. The majority of our belongings were left in ruins.

No matter how hard I fought it, I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I began to weep and broke down. The home I spent the major part of my  life in, was desecrated by infamous Ike. The warmth and love that filled that house had vacated, leaving me feeling empty and dark. It’s not the material that leaves a lump in my throat but rather the “place”. – The place I could always come to. The place that was my refuge. The place where the people that meant the most to me resided, whether they knew it or not…. Looking at the pictures and videos of that house when it was full of life cut me deep. I cried myself to sleep. It is now the 15th, and I awake with tears in my eyes.

“absent, gone, lacking, lost, misplaced, omitted, wanting”

…///Clay///

Whispers Among The Noise

My fiance and I have been reading Max Lucado books since my accident, thanks to Pastor/Worship Leader Kenneth. Pastor Kenneth had brought me a Max Lucado book as a gift while I was still in the hospital, and that was the match to the gasoline. We are now on our second book and the last chapter we read gave me clear view to my own situation. Mr.Lucado made mention about when the disciples were on the boat in the storm and Jesus came walking on the water. He states that the disciples were expecting some great miracle, and since Jesus came in a way they didn’t expect; they almost missed the answer to their prayers.

I personally get two strong messages out of that chapter for my accident. The first being, is that I’ve been asking God to help pull me away from my struggles. “Show me a way to the narrow path”, I would exclaim. I really wanted something BIG to steer me back in the right direction. Well as horrible as the accident was, this was the “change” I’ve been asking for, and if it wasn’t for my family and church I probably would have almost missed it myself. Secondly, I realized that God doesn’t always work the way you want Him to. You look for Him to reach out His hand and tell the ocean to calm, or the storm to cease. If you can let go of your standards and look beyond your own perception. You might be able to see how he quietly approaches you in the midst of the storm. If I were to have looked for God by my standards I would have been saying at the time of the accident, “Okay God you can stop time now and sit me gently on the ground, or at least throw some pillows in my path for a soft landing”. No, He came to me in the middle of all the chaos. During the painful surgeries, and Hospital bills. I have had many blessings, from my Lord, through this accident. It’s a miracle from God that I’m even alive. Upon the darkest hours, His blessings are there. The candles are lit if you look for them.

“I can walk on water with Him”

///Clay///

Return to the Flock

It’s been pretty quiet since I’ve left the hospital. My parents have taken me into their care, allowing me to stay in Olivia’s room. They all have been supportive and are there when I call, but for a good portion of the day I just sit and stare at the walls. The low hum of the fan, the slight shuffle of the posters(hundreds of boy band poses) on the wall, the sound of running water in the fish tank. It’s the chorus to my insanity. I used the love of those around me to keep my cool. The stress of my situation, broken leg, loss of job etc, had slowly decayed my morale.

Throughout this process something had changed in the air. I felt something new in my being. The presence of God had become prominent. At this moment the very fibers of my thought process were being rewritten. He was molding my heart with His hands. I felt His desire flowing through my veins. I Became one of God’s children back when I was twelve and its been a crazy roller coaster against the spirit and the flesh. My Shepherd knew that I have been the habitual wanderer. He had to break my leg to keep me from getting to far out of reach.

The sheep is carried by the shepherd until the leg is healed creating a stronger bond. Once the sheep is released, it will stay right by the shepherds side. I can feel that bond in my soul. I have become a little more selfless with each passing moment. I no longer find the need to indulge in materialistic things. I don’t need the fast cars, expensive clothes, or top of the line electronics. I want to help others like never before. I pray more frequently and have had a more serene state of mind. I know that even though my world has been turned upside down, Jesus is carrying me. He has taken my load, it is no longer mine to worry about.

“On the shoulders of the Shepherd”

///Clay///

Forcibly Resigned

This has been a tough month for me. I’ve sold my precious muscle car, I had a horrible accident and have had to lay still ever since. I’ve got all of these new financial and medical problems to worry about. The worst of all is this, my job (NASA security) does not look kindly upon the part-time wounded. After calling them multiple times I finally get a hold of the security HR lady. She sadly informs me that because I have not worked there for at least a year, I have no type of leave available. Her only alternative was to terminate me. So here I am a broken, unemployed, unable to take care of myself individual, who is staying at his parents house.

I put a lot of effort into getting that job. I asked around and researched the job to figure out what the job requirements were and then set them as my goal. I attended school for a week to obtain the license necessary to get the job. I applied three times, called twice, and emailed once to show my persistence. After about a month they finally contacted me for an interview I had learned that I must run a mile, be able to do push ups and sit ups, and qualify at the gun range. Of course I put in effort so I would be ready for these test and in the end I passed! I worked there for a little over a month and have already been kicked out with the cold request of the return of my uniform. Who knows why this has happened? Only God does. Maybe my time in the security field is finished, or maybe its not. Only time will tell. I just know that my Provider will be there for me.

“Unemployed”

///Clay///

6A Room 12

It was a cloudy Friday afternoon and I geared up, sliding on a shiny new helmet. I climbed onto my new 2-wheeled beast (2006 Suzuki GSX-R 750) and decided to take the rest of the day to learn how to move in sync with the machine. I had been riding for about an hour when I had became impatient with a slow-turning vehicle. I took the advantage to give a little extra gas and go around the slowpoke. Once cleared, i began to coast and noticed a cop to my right. I looked down at my speedometer and realized that I was going 69 in a 45. Without delay, the cop on his bike chased after me and pulled me over. Not only did i get a ticket, but I also discovered that someone had stolen my license plate, and received another penalty for not having my proof of insurance yet, even though it was in route via mail. They didn’t just take the license plate, but the entire license plate holder which also had my registration and inspection on it. This was not how I wanted to spend my first day with my new toy. I ended up going to the courthouse a couple blocks away in hopes to get a new license plate. I stood in line for about half an hour, the whole time reminiscing about my old V8, which I had sold just that same week. Of course by the time it was my turn, the lady said there was nothing I could do at that point and time. I didn’t want this to ruin my day, so I decided to shrug it off for the moment and continue to ride. I ended up in the town that my parents live and wanted to show them my new ride. Of course, when I got there, it appeared no one was home. I sighed, continued about my journey, and then five minutes later, saw my father on his motorcycle heading home. I waved trying to get his attention, but I didn’t think he recognized me, so when he passed, I turned to look, but he did not look back. As i looked back in front of me, it had come to my realization that the black pickup truck in front of me had come to a complete stop. I don’t exactly remember how much space was between me and him when I realized this, but I took the only action necessary and leaned right as hard as I could, trying to make it to the shoulder. Almost to my goal, I hit the edge of his back bumper and was sky-rocketed off of the crotch-rocket. After the first hit on the pavement, I see the bike barrelling past me, flying into pieces. After a couple more skips across the ground, I come to a dead stop into a street sign. Within seconds, immense pain takes over my body. I lift my head up to look at myself and see that just above my knee, my leg had folded against itself to where my ankle was wedged between the sign and my hip. It had shattered my femur with bones protruding out of the skin. Witnesses come rushing over to the accident to try and help me, and then call 911. It wasn’t long before they realized I was losing too much blood, and had to life-flight me to the hospital.

My stay at the hospital was not the most pleasant and not on the end that I would want to be on. It was a very long week, but I had many people come out to show their support. Feeling for all the people that cared for me brought me to tears and helped keep me happy. And the best of all was that my loving fiance stayed every night with me. After my release, my parents took me in to keep watch over me and I’m glad to finally be out of there. It’s going to be a long way to recovery and to be honest, I’m scared, but I can’t focus on this Goliath that is facing me. I must focus on God.

“It sucks to have to lay still”

///Clay///