One One Dash One

One One Dash One Dash Zero Seven

I met a girl who I am just completely infatuated with. We hang out at the Kemah Boardwalk and spend some time looking at the stars on the helipad, nestled at  the top of the parking garage. The sky is blanketed in dark blue, decorated with a thousand little candles. The cars headlights appear over the top of the bridge adjacent to the dancing luminescence upon the waves. A hundred boats fill the dock gently swaying into the night. This is where I asked her to be my girlfriend.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Eight

I struggle to walk out in front of the Church. The glass cane was just too insufficient to hold me. My Pastor gives me support to aid in my inadequate and feeble steps. I begin to realize that my suit is a little cramped as I had gained some weight from the death-defying accident. It was only five months ago that the tragedy happened; just a week after I had proposed. Now here I stand in front of current and soon-to-be family with a gaze of admiration toward that same girl I met only a year ago. She slowly approaches me and for a moment the music and crowd fade away. Such a simple moment of bliss staring into each others eyes. The Pastor begins the ceremony, and brings two individuals into a God crafted unity. This is where I said “I do”.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Nine

Its our one year anniversary today! I take in everything that has happened since we first met. Quite a story if you ask me. We have moved 5 times since then, and we have both gone through multiple jobs. There was the accident, the surgery, the hurricane, the wedding, the financial struggle, and the second surgery. Here I sit with my leg inoperable and encased in an ilizarov.  The self-sufficient, speed walking Clay no longer exists. I find myself bordering on, claiming full dependence upon my wife for my every need. NO job and no strength, Kathryn carries the burden of our livelihood. Its our  anniversary and I offer nothing to the table except my love. The blessing is that LOVE is enough for our happiness to remain constant and true. The pursuit of happiness, a universal goal sought by all and found by few. Even with all physical and financial struggles we remain among the few. ONE ONE DASH ONE, you are the third of the many to come. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“Thank you Lord for blessing me, Amen.”

My Halo

I think back to over a year ago, and I remember one day so clearly. The day that has been branded “the worst day of my life”. That “worst day” has had a tremendous impact on my life. It has governed every decision Ive made since then. The effects of that “worst day” still linger like a sour taste in my mouth. So many little choices lead up to that day. A lot of little choices that would be considered irrelevant to the course. A handful of minuscule unplanned events that lead to that exact spot, on June 6th 2008. Where my father had left at the right time which would put him passing me at the exact moment the car in front of me hit the brakes. There are so many little details which laid the course of that day. (just for the record I do not blame my father for what happened that day)

Now, exactly one year and four months later, October 6th, 2009, I will be undergoing a second surgery. It will be an attempt to salvage my leg, and give me the ability to walk again. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work any better than the first but it is my best option. Here is the doctors plan- The gap in the original break (which is about three inches) is too great and from the trauma will not heal on its own. The goal is to shrink the gap and compress the two broken ends together. I have to create three fresh inches of bone.

First he will remove the metal plates and screws that are currently in my leg. Then he will run a metal rod through the center of my bone. He will break my femur up high to make the bridging site. The middle piece which is now separated at the top and bottom will continue to heal at the top as it is slowly slid down the metal rod. It will continue to “lengthen” until the two ends reach creating the docking site. In order to adjust the middle piece I will be outfitted with an external fixator aka, a halo. I am to wear the halo until the two ends reach each other. More than likely, once my leg is healed my knee will no longer bend so I will then have to undergo knee surgery… The doctor said it could be two more years from now before I can walk normal again.

- External Fixator “halo”

///Clay///

I Hate Baseball And Its Curve-Ball

Its been a while since I’ve made my last entry… Life seemed to become a little more “normal” filled with errands, work, and school. We even played with the idea of buying a house. I felt like that even though I wasn’t 100 percent physically, I was living my life like I used to (just slightly more busy). Once again life throws a curve-ball at me. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan.

I am reaching the end of my summer school classes and have already registered for Fall classes. Five to be exact. That’s a lot of classes, but luckily for me right at the same time I will be getting laid off from work. That way I can focus directly on school. It seems as though the tough times the country is facing has reached me in my job. Yet it all seemed to be working out. Kathryn works and makes enough to support both of us while I finish school.

Another up-side is the fact that now Kathryn has insurance so I can move forward with my “bum” leg. In fact I had my first doctor visit today through Dr. Vander-something… I’ll just call him Dr.Van. Dr.Van was one of the doctors recommended to me by my friend Daniel. Dr.Van did some X-rays and gave me his diagnosis. HERE’S WHERE THE CURVE-BALL COMES IN. It turns out my leg is worse off than I thought. The rundown is my femur bone is all funky and has not been growing so I need a bone graft(I expected that) and my alignment of the plate and my knee are slightly off. Off by a mere 6 degrees causing a slight bowed leg. This is damaging my knee and will cause severe arthritis on one side. Dr.Van is sending me to see a doctor in Houston who he says is one of the best to deal with my “delicate” disaster. Dr.Van says I have two options. I can take the long safe route, or the shorter and less predictable route. The long route is to have the obvious bone graft, and have the metal removed from my leg so it can be realigned and then install an external fixator. The shorter path is to have the afore said bone graft, and a repeat of my original surgery. Go in remove the metal, realign everything and put in new metal plates and screws. Either way I have to have extensive surgery with another lovely week stay in the hospital. Its the anti-vacation resort.

Now lets step back and take a look at the full spectrum of this proceeding. All the goals I have been setting up are now being altered or postponed. As far as my normality goes, its being sent back to square one. Then theres school… I have to go and explain that I have to drop my classes so I can have surgery (hoping that I can still finish under the same parameters I originally set up). House hunting, well you can just forget that. Even though we have insurance its still gonna take bite out of our money. One thing I have learned about planning is that, “the only thing that you can rely on in life to not change is the fact that everything will change”. Your mindset will change, plans will change, the course you follow will change. This rearrangement scares me. I am afraid of the pain I have to endure for the second time. The nightmare of my past comes alive to haunt me once more.

“Everything Changes”

Lifeless Like A Corpse

It seems that lately my mind has been stuck in some sort of rut. I haven’t had any new insights, or even felt like Ive grown or changed in any way the past month…. The lack of inspiration has caused a lack of thoughts and ideas for writing in my journal. I feel like I have been coasting through this past month on autopilot. Stuck in a mundane routine that is draining the very life-force out of me. I like things being simple, and leading a fairly simple life. Too much complexity would just cause stress and unhappiness in life but it seems that the opposite is true as well. It seems that life has been too simple this past month… So simple that I feel dead. Reluctant to get out of bed and once I am out of bed I dont want to move or do anything. If I didnt know any better I would say that these were symptoms of depression. No… the lack of motivation has seemingly spread. Infecting me like a virus turning the many quiet hours where I sit at home and wait for fellowship from my wife into a poison. a poison that is eating my morale and consuming my energy.

In light of all these things it appears the natural course of life is about to change all that. My non-existent life is being rolled up into a ball and tossed into the flames. I am going from nothing to having a full-time schedule, filled with work and studying of things that make absolutely no sense to me. The mundane routine that has been the center of this void is about to be disfigured and rearranged to create a pattern of change and filled schedules. I pray that this drastic change wont take a toll on me. That this disruption in my current pattern will not be too complex to where life is not enjoyable.

“blank”

///Clay///

The Burdens That Mold Life

There just seems to be so much uncertainty in my life right now. I feel like I’ve lost my direction… in the past I have always had some kind of plan laid out on how my future would unfold and for the most part I would stick with it. My finances, my living situation, job related stuff, etc. I kept it all in perspective to my personal and simple needs. Now more than ever I find I have to rely on God and not my own self,  because I no longer have a set perspective on how things should go or what I am aiming for. I have to trust that Christ will lead me to the right course of action. It’s hard not to get overwhelmed in thoughts of everything that has built up around me. Its like walls of steel cutting me off from the outside and no matter how hard I scream no one will hear me. There is just too much to handle in the big picture! I must give it to God and he will work me through it in small bites (EASIER SAID THAN DONE). I just need alot of prayer from everyone. In hopes that blessing are just around the corner I will stay optimistic!

“Where will this cripple be next?”

///Clay///

Defining2008/ For Better Or For Worse

///2008///

I must say that this has been the most eventful year of my life. I have had my Best and Worst experiences this year. I will make top ten of each just for fun.

WORST

10. On the day of my accident I had to go to training… we had a two minute survival drill. I had to fight off two Beastly guys, and well lets say they left me with quite a headache. They kicked my butt

9. After my accident I filled out and dealt with all types of paperwork for Social Security but still didn’t get approved… jerks

8. Over the course of the year I had gotten 6 traffic violation tickets… hee hee oops. I can’t even remember what they were for

7. My stupid and selfish self decided that I wanted a cool bike so I sold my only car for it. The Mustang GT… Oh well things happen for a reason and I would not be where I am now if I hadn’t

6. Because of obvious circumstances I lost my home with my brother Daniel… had to move back with my parents for the third time

5. Plain and simple…. Osama won the election, oops I mean OBAMA

4. This one is a biggie for me personally… I gained twenty pounds of FAT all in my stomach. YEP I have a gut

3. I lost my job at NASA… they didnt care

2. IKE hit the coast… It took my family’s home, my backup car, my other motorcycle, and thousands of dollars worth of other belongings of mine.

1. NUMBER ONE!!! the most obvious of all, the motorcycle accident which has left me starting the new year crippled.

BEST-

10. I started a cool collection of canes. My two favorite would have to be the glass one and the one with flames

9. I have gotten a better relationship with my in-laws through everything that has happened.

8. I got a computer, a MAC to be more precise. I love it I have spent a lot of time making fun music

7. When I worked for the mall I got promoted to a Supervisor =) That is really good for a resume

6. Even though there a bunch of “little” things that could be fixed, I got a really cool car 1987 Camaro IROC-Z. It has a nice big 350 V8 engine… “Manly Chuckles” >=D

5. Through one of my Wife’s friends we were led to a home Church.

4. Through all the things in my life especially this year I had all my closest friends there for me whenever I needed them. Except when I lived with Daniel, he was never home. HA!

3. God blessed me greatly! I had almost $80,000 in medical bills and God took it all away! I owe nothing. Thank you Jesus =D

2. I went on my first cruise! It was for my honeymoon, and we had a blast! YAY I love boats!!!

1. The Number ONE best thing that has happened for 2008, is that I got to make my best friend and the love of my life, MY WIFE. I can’t be without her

“A roller-coaster year”

///Clay///

My Way Or The Highway

Opinions

Everybody has their own opinion about everything. Opinions are good and help define who we are, and getting someone else’s opinion is nice. Unless it wasn’t asked for… All the time I hear “you NEED…-opinion attached here-”. Since when are the things I “NEED” everyone else’s inclination? If they want to express their opinion, they should say “should” instead. People believe that their way is the best way and it will work the same for everyone. NO! Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean I will have the same ramification. You need to cut your hair, you need a different job, you need a new car, you need a new girlfriend, you need to eat more/less… I have had enough of those. 

“I NEED a break from outside perspective”

///Clay///

The Place Where Domestic Affections Are Centered

///I SEE 911///

Its about two weeks before Hurricane IKE

makes its devastating landfall

I am just spending plenty of time at home not concerned with anything but my progress to recovery. I notice a strange reoccurring event. Every night I look at the clock at exactly 9:11pm. The first three times didn’t phase me but by the fourth night it began to feel unusual. I continued to see the clock at exactly 9:11 everyday up through September 10th.

9/11/08- I wake up that morning quite early to check out the news on the storm. We realize that we have no choice but to evacuate. My family makes the move to stay with my Moms family in Odessa and Kathryn and I will be in Pasadena with her family. We pack the needed items, mostly clothes and important documents, etc, and head out.

9/12/08- We all gather in front of the TV and watch IKE lurk in the gulf. The storm hits and the electricity is exterminated.

9/14/08- I can’t take the anxiety of not knowing whats happened to my home. Kathryn and I make are way to my family’s home. Once we arrive we immediately notice the water line on the door… water had made it in the house. I struggle to get up the damaged front steps and open the front door. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The house was filled with warm rancid smell of fish and rotting food, and sludgy mud blanketing the floor. My insides turned sour as I peered into the house. Unable to enter the slippery floors with my broken leg, Kathryn ventured in alone to take pictures of the damage. The floors were bubbled and warped, and the walls were soaked in salt water. The majority of our belongings were left in ruins.

No matter how hard I fought it, I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I began to weep and broke down. The home I spent the major part of my  life in, was desecrated by infamous Ike. The warmth and love that filled that house had vacated, leaving me feeling empty and dark. It’s not the material that leaves a lump in my throat but rather the “place”. – The place I could always come to. The place that was my refuge. The place where the people that meant the most to me resided, whether they knew it or not…. Looking at the pictures and videos of that house when it was full of life cut me deep. I cried myself to sleep. It is now the 15th, and I awake with tears in my eyes.

“absent, gone, lacking, lost, misplaced, omitted, wanting”

…///Clay///

Climbing Mountains with the Handicapped

It seems God has prompted me for some moderation. Within the last week I have had a $64,000 debt to the hospital erased with the help of a “charity balance”. I made another visit to the hospital and was told the news of signs of bone growth. Then I had been outfitted with a new leg brace with a hinge, and have started the very painful process of trying to get my leg to bend again. Also my parents have gone on their trip to Maine and gave me the master bedroom for the time being. Last but definitely not least, my Fiance and I are starting to turn our focus on wedding plans.

It seems that for the wedding, most of the preparations will be done by Kathryn and I alone. It will be difficult to find ways to pay for it all but we can be self efficient and will do it. Help is always appreciated but the ones who offered to help from Kat’s side of the family have backed out, and put us back to the drawing board. Times continue to grow stressful but I remain vigilant with my love at my side.

My life is far from perfect, but none the less with all circumstances in front of me somehow I’ve found this peace that God is controlling it all. Probably the best part about living a simple life, is the fact that when God wants to make a change we are open to it. There are no plans that will hinder God’s will. I don’t know what to expect from the next day but I have a faith that keeps me happy with where I am, and where I am going.

“I can do all things through Christ”

///Clay///

Return to the Flock

It’s been pretty quiet since I’ve left the hospital. My parents have taken me into their care, allowing me to stay in Olivia’s room. They all have been supportive and are there when I call, but for a good portion of the day I just sit and stare at the walls. The low hum of the fan, the slight shuffle of the posters(hundreds of boy band poses) on the wall, the sound of running water in the fish tank. It’s the chorus to my insanity. I used the love of those around me to keep my cool. The stress of my situation, broken leg, loss of job etc, had slowly decayed my morale.

Throughout this process something had changed in the air. I felt something new in my being. The presence of God had become prominent. At this moment the very fibers of my thought process were being rewritten. He was molding my heart with His hands. I felt His desire flowing through my veins. I Became one of God’s children back when I was twelve and its been a crazy roller coaster against the spirit and the flesh. My Shepherd knew that I have been the habitual wanderer. He had to break my leg to keep me from getting to far out of reach.

The sheep is carried by the shepherd until the leg is healed creating a stronger bond. Once the sheep is released, it will stay right by the shepherds side. I can feel that bond in my soul. I have become a little more selfless with each passing moment. I no longer find the need to indulge in materialistic things. I don’t need the fast cars, expensive clothes, or top of the line electronics. I want to help others like never before. I pray more frequently and have had a more serene state of mind. I know that even though my world has been turned upside down, Jesus is carrying me. He has taken my load, it is no longer mine to worry about.

“On the shoulders of the Shepherd”

///Clay///

Forcibly Resigned

This has been a tough month for me. I’ve sold my precious muscle car, I had a horrible accident and have had to lay still ever since. I’ve got all of these new financial and medical problems to worry about. The worst of all is this, my job (NASA security) does not look kindly upon the part-time wounded. After calling them multiple times I finally get a hold of the security HR lady. She sadly informs me that because I have not worked there for at least a year, I have no type of leave available. Her only alternative was to terminate me. So here I am a broken, unemployed, unable to take care of myself individual, who is staying at his parents house.

I put a lot of effort into getting that job. I asked around and researched the job to figure out what the job requirements were and then set them as my goal. I attended school for a week to obtain the license necessary to get the job. I applied three times, called twice, and emailed once to show my persistence. After about a month they finally contacted me for an interview I had learned that I must run a mile, be able to do push ups and sit ups, and qualify at the gun range. Of course I put in effort so I would be ready for these test and in the end I passed! I worked there for a little over a month and have already been kicked out with the cold request of the return of my uniform. Who knows why this has happened? Only God does. Maybe my time in the security field is finished, or maybe its not. Only time will tell. I just know that my Provider will be there for me.

“Unemployed”

///Clay///

6A Room 12

It was a cloudy Friday afternoon and I geared up, sliding on a shiny new helmet. I climbed onto my new 2-wheeled beast (2006 Suzuki GSX-R 750) and decided to take the rest of the day to learn how to move in sync with the machine. I had been riding for about an hour when I had became impatient with a slow-turning vehicle. I took the advantage to give a little extra gas and go around the slowpoke. Once cleared, i began to coast and noticed a cop to my right. I looked down at my speedometer and realized that I was going 69 in a 45. Without delay, the cop on his bike chased after me and pulled me over. Not only did i get a ticket, but I also discovered that someone had stolen my license plate, and received another penalty for not having my proof of insurance yet, even though it was in route via mail. They didn’t just take the license plate, but the entire license plate holder which also had my registration and inspection on it. This was not how I wanted to spend my first day with my new toy. I ended up going to the courthouse a couple blocks away in hopes to get a new license plate. I stood in line for about half an hour, the whole time reminiscing about my old V8, which I had sold just that same week. Of course by the time it was my turn, the lady said there was nothing I could do at that point and time. I didn’t want this to ruin my day, so I decided to shrug it off for the moment and continue to ride. I ended up in the town that my parents live and wanted to show them my new ride. Of course, when I got there, it appeared no one was home. I sighed, continued about my journey, and then five minutes later, saw my father on his motorcycle heading home. I waved trying to get his attention, but I didn’t think he recognized me, so when he passed, I turned to look, but he did not look back. As i looked back in front of me, it had come to my realization that the black pickup truck in front of me had come to a complete stop. I don’t exactly remember how much space was between me and him when I realized this, but I took the only action necessary and leaned right as hard as I could, trying to make it to the shoulder. Almost to my goal, I hit the edge of his back bumper and was sky-rocketed off of the crotch-rocket. After the first hit on the pavement, I see the bike barrelling past me, flying into pieces. After a couple more skips across the ground, I come to a dead stop into a street sign. Within seconds, immense pain takes over my body. I lift my head up to look at myself and see that just above my knee, my leg had folded against itself to where my ankle was wedged between the sign and my hip. It had shattered my femur with bones protruding out of the skin. Witnesses come rushing over to the accident to try and help me, and then call 911. It wasn’t long before they realized I was losing too much blood, and had to life-flight me to the hospital.

My stay at the hospital was not the most pleasant and not on the end that I would want to be on. It was a very long week, but I had many people come out to show their support. Feeling for all the people that cared for me brought me to tears and helped keep me happy. And the best of all was that my loving fiance stayed every night with me. After my release, my parents took me in to keep watch over me and I’m glad to finally be out of there. It’s going to be a long way to recovery and to be honest, I’m scared, but I can’t focus on this Goliath that is facing me. I must focus on God.

“It sucks to have to lay still”

///Clay///

Currently Disconnected ///Unplugged///

NASA! Yes I got the job working security for NASA. I am very excited about working there, not to mention I will be making some really good money(considering I wont go to college). My last day at the mall will be April 15th. I’m glad to be getting away but at the same time I feel bad for my boss because everyone seems to be leaving.

I have officially become computer-less. My worthless virus infected wannabe laptop quit on me. That’s okay though; for soon I have decided I will build my own computer. This way I know it will be up to my standards on how a computer should work. Now with my new job it shouldn’t take long for me to get it up and running. My computer will also be my “system” for video games. No longer will I spend lots of money on expensive consoles. In the end it will be the better deal.

“plug me in”

///Clay///