Left Femur X-ray’s > Diagram

One One Dash One

One One Dash One Dash Zero Seven

I met a girl who I am just completely infatuated with. We hang out at the Kemah Boardwalk and spend some time looking at the stars on the helipad, nestled at  the top of the parking garage. The sky is blanketed in dark blue, decorated with a thousand little candles. The cars headlights appear over the top of the bridge adjacent to the dancing luminescence upon the waves. A hundred boats fill the dock gently swaying into the night. This is where I asked her to be my girlfriend.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Eight

I struggle to walk out in front of the Church. The glass cane was just too insufficient to hold me. My Pastor gives me support to aid in my inadequate and feeble steps. I begin to realize that my suit is a little cramped as I had gained some weight from the death-defying accident. It was only five months ago that the tragedy happened; just a week after I had proposed. Now here I stand in front of current and soon-to-be family with a gaze of admiration toward that same girl I met only a year ago. She slowly approaches me and for a moment the music and crowd fade away. Such a simple moment of bliss staring into each others eyes. The Pastor begins the ceremony, and brings two individuals into a God crafted unity. This is where I said “I do”.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Nine

Its our one year anniversary today! I take in everything that has happened since we first met. Quite a story if you ask me. We have moved 5 times since then, and we have both gone through multiple jobs. There was the accident, the surgery, the hurricane, the wedding, the financial struggle, and the second surgery. Here I sit with my leg inoperable and encased in an ilizarov.  The self-sufficient, speed walking Clay no longer exists. I find myself bordering on, claiming full dependence upon my wife for my every need. NO job and no strength, Kathryn carries the burden of our livelihood. Its our  anniversary and I offer nothing to the table except my love. The blessing is that LOVE is enough for our happiness to remain constant and true. The pursuit of happiness, a universal goal sought by all and found by few. Even with all physical and financial struggles we remain among the few. ONE ONE DASH ONE, you are the third of the many to come. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“Thank you Lord for blessing me, Amen.”

My Halo

I think back to over a year ago, and I remember one day so clearly. The day that has been branded “the worst day of my life”. That “worst day” has had a tremendous impact on my life. It has governed every decision Ive made since then. The effects of that “worst day” still linger like a sour taste in my mouth. So many little choices lead up to that day. A lot of little choices that would be considered irrelevant to the course. A handful of minuscule unplanned events that lead to that exact spot, on June 6th 2008. Where my father had left at the right time which would put him passing me at the exact moment the car in front of me hit the brakes. There are so many little details which laid the course of that day. (just for the record I do not blame my father for what happened that day)

Now, exactly one year and four months later, October 6th, 2009, I will be undergoing a second surgery. It will be an attempt to salvage my leg, and give me the ability to walk again. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work any better than the first but it is my best option. Here is the doctors plan- The gap in the original break (which is about three inches) is too great and from the trauma will not heal on its own. The goal is to shrink the gap and compress the two broken ends together. I have to create three fresh inches of bone.

First he will remove the metal plates and screws that are currently in my leg. Then he will run a metal rod through the center of my bone. He will break my femur up high to make the bridging site. The middle piece which is now separated at the top and bottom will continue to heal at the top as it is slowly slid down the metal rod. It will continue to “lengthen” until the two ends reach creating the docking site. In order to adjust the middle piece I will be outfitted with an external fixator aka, a halo. I am to wear the halo until the two ends reach each other. More than likely, once my leg is healed my knee will no longer bend so I will then have to undergo knee surgery… The doctor said it could be two more years from now before I can walk normal again.

- External Fixator “halo”

///Clay///

I Hate Baseball And Its Curve-Ball

Its been a while since I’ve made my last entry… Life seemed to become a little more “normal” filled with errands, work, and school. We even played with the idea of buying a house. I felt like that even though I wasn’t 100 percent physically, I was living my life like I used to (just slightly more busy). Once again life throws a curve-ball at me. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan.

I am reaching the end of my summer school classes and have already registered for Fall classes. Five to be exact. That’s a lot of classes, but luckily for me right at the same time I will be getting laid off from work. That way I can focus directly on school. It seems as though the tough times the country is facing has reached me in my job. Yet it all seemed to be working out. Kathryn works and makes enough to support both of us while I finish school.

Another up-side is the fact that now Kathryn has insurance so I can move forward with my “bum” leg. In fact I had my first doctor visit today through Dr. Vander-something… I’ll just call him Dr.Van. Dr.Van was one of the doctors recommended to me by my friend Daniel. Dr.Van did some X-rays and gave me his diagnosis. HERE’S WHERE THE CURVE-BALL COMES IN. It turns out my leg is worse off than I thought. The rundown is my femur bone is all funky and has not been growing so I need a bone graft(I expected that) and my alignment of the plate and my knee are slightly off. Off by a mere 6 degrees causing a slight bowed leg. This is damaging my knee and will cause severe arthritis on one side. Dr.Van is sending me to see a doctor in Houston who he says is one of the best to deal with my “delicate” disaster. Dr.Van says I have two options. I can take the long safe route, or the shorter and less predictable route. The long route is to have the obvious bone graft, and have the metal removed from my leg so it can be realigned and then install an external fixator. The shorter path is to have the afore said bone graft, and a repeat of my original surgery. Go in remove the metal, realign everything and put in new metal plates and screws. Either way I have to have extensive surgery with another lovely week stay in the hospital. Its the anti-vacation resort.

Now lets step back and take a look at the full spectrum of this proceeding. All the goals I have been setting up are now being altered or postponed. As far as my normality goes, its being sent back to square one. Then theres school… I have to go and explain that I have to drop my classes so I can have surgery (hoping that I can still finish under the same parameters I originally set up). House hunting, well you can just forget that. Even though we have insurance its still gonna take bite out of our money. One thing I have learned about planning is that, “the only thing that you can rely on in life to not change is the fact that everything will change”. Your mindset will change, plans will change, the course you follow will change. This rearrangement scares me. I am afraid of the pain I have to endure for the second time. The nightmare of my past comes alive to haunt me once more.

“Everything Changes”

Lifeless Like A Corpse

It seems that lately my mind has been stuck in some sort of rut. I haven’t had any new insights, or even felt like Ive grown or changed in any way the past month…. The lack of inspiration has caused a lack of thoughts and ideas for writing in my journal. I feel like I have been coasting through this past month on autopilot. Stuck in a mundane routine that is draining the very life-force out of me. I like things being simple, and leading a fairly simple life. Too much complexity would just cause stress and unhappiness in life but it seems that the opposite is true as well. It seems that life has been too simple this past month… So simple that I feel dead. Reluctant to get out of bed and once I am out of bed I dont want to move or do anything. If I didnt know any better I would say that these were symptoms of depression. No… the lack of motivation has seemingly spread. Infecting me like a virus turning the many quiet hours where I sit at home and wait for fellowship from my wife into a poison. a poison that is eating my morale and consuming my energy.

In light of all these things it appears the natural course of life is about to change all that. My non-existent life is being rolled up into a ball and tossed into the flames. I am going from nothing to having a full-time schedule, filled with work and studying of things that make absolutely no sense to me. The mundane routine that has been the center of this void is about to be disfigured and rearranged to create a pattern of change and filled schedules. I pray that this drastic change wont take a toll on me. That this disruption in my current pattern will not be too complex to where life is not enjoyable.

“blank”

///Clay///

Defining2008/ For Better Or For Worse

///2008///

I must say that this has been the most eventful year of my life. I have had my Best and Worst experiences this year. I will make top ten of each just for fun.

WORST

10. On the day of my accident I had to go to training… we had a two minute survival drill. I had to fight off two Beastly guys, and well lets say they left me with quite a headache. They kicked my butt

9. After my accident I filled out and dealt with all types of paperwork for Social Security but still didn’t get approved… jerks

8. Over the course of the year I had gotten 6 traffic violation tickets… hee hee oops. I can’t even remember what they were for

7. My stupid and selfish self decided that I wanted a cool bike so I sold my only car for it. The Mustang GT… Oh well things happen for a reason and I would not be where I am now if I hadn’t

6. Because of obvious circumstances I lost my home with my brother Daniel… had to move back with my parents for the third time

5. Plain and simple…. Osama won the election, oops I mean OBAMA

4. This one is a biggie for me personally… I gained twenty pounds of FAT all in my stomach. YEP I have a gut

3. I lost my job at NASA… they didnt care

2. IKE hit the coast… It took my family’s home, my backup car, my other motorcycle, and thousands of dollars worth of other belongings of mine.

1. NUMBER ONE!!! the most obvious of all, the motorcycle accident which has left me starting the new year crippled.

BEST-

10. I started a cool collection of canes. My two favorite would have to be the glass one and the one with flames

9. I have gotten a better relationship with my in-laws through everything that has happened.

8. I got a computer, a MAC to be more precise. I love it I have spent a lot of time making fun music

7. When I worked for the mall I got promoted to a Supervisor =) That is really good for a resume

6. Even though there a bunch of “little” things that could be fixed, I got a really cool car 1987 Camaro IROC-Z. It has a nice big 350 V8 engine… “Manly Chuckles” >=D

5. Through one of my Wife’s friends we were led to a home Church.

4. Through all the things in my life especially this year I had all my closest friends there for me whenever I needed them. Except when I lived with Daniel, he was never home. HA!

3. God blessed me greatly! I had almost $80,000 in medical bills and God took it all away! I owe nothing. Thank you Jesus =D

2. I went on my first cruise! It was for my honeymoon, and we had a blast! YAY I love boats!!!

1. The Number ONE best thing that has happened for 2008, is that I got to make my best friend and the love of my life, MY WIFE. I can’t be without her

“A roller-coaster year”

///Clay///

5 Months, and 13 Days Later

The Honeymoon is OVER! It is with much reluctance that I say the honeymoon is over and its back to the real world. I wish it wasn’t over, it was so great! The weather was perfect and the water was so blue. I wish I had a big yacht and could just stay out there in the middle no where forever. I took a bunch of pics and recorded little bits here and there. As soon as we got home I put all the pics/video together and made a movie/slideshow. Its pretty cool almost half an hour long.

Waking up to reality and now there is so much to be done. I have to start looking for work again, even though I’m not completely healed. Considering my condition I would have to work somewhere where I can sit on my butt. My leg is very weak and can’t support itself nor can it bend fully. Even more so the weather outside greatly affects my leg. That narrows the jobs down to one which is indoors and in a chair. Hopefully someone will have compassion for my crippled self and will hire me. 

Next on the list, Transportation. I need a vehicle. One that runs without any extra costs to keep it running. I don’t want to have to always borrow someone else’s car but I really wont have a choice till I can make enough to buy my own. Sometimes I just hate cars, not enough money for them but can’t do anything without them. 

I also have to try to schedule an appointment with my ortho doctor, who I haven’t been able to get a hold of since IKE. It is really frustrating and upsetting that no one will take me in. Its been over three months since I seen him last. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or how to build up my leg strength. I need to know how much bone growth I have, if any….

Last Kathryn has to get all of her information changed with everyone. Starting with the social security people. You cant change any of the simple stuff till you changed your drivers license, and you can’t change your drivers license until you’ve changed you SS card. Paperwork, paperwork…

“cripple looking for work”

///Clay///

Walking At The Speed Of Turtle

Recovery… That’s a big word. The return to a normal state of health, mind, and strength; recovery. So what exactly am I recovering to? Its very obvious that things will never be quite like it used to be. In fact there is no way to know what the end result will look like. I can’t recover to the normality I used to have. I will recover to a new state of “normal”, but what will it look like? According to the Doctor, there is only a small chance that I will regain my full leg use and motion again. As it stands right now it doesn’t seem like I will have full motion again. In fact I will probably forever feel chronic pain in my knee and have limited bending. Which also tells me that I will likely always have a cane handy to help relieve the pressure on my knee. No more running around or jumping… Too much wear and I will have to have knee replacement surgery. People just don’t seem to understand the extent in which my leg was broken to. I turned it into shards that ripped through my leg tissue and muscle. Not something easy to “recover” from. I don’t have a problem accepting the fact that I can’t be running around, its just crazy to think about how much of an impact it has made on my future. The cool thing is I get to collect cool looking canes, and will probably always get to park in the handicap zone =). Having a bum leg isn’t so bad, it helps give new connotation to the world around me. 

“The New Normal”

///Clay///

///Bolted Redemption/// -TM-

My last visit to the Doctor was productive, but not exactly what I was hoping for. I’ll start with the bad news; my bone growth is really dragging along. There is an improvement from last time but not much. When I look at the x-ray you can see all the bone fragments, and then a white haze outlining the bone pieces. The “haze” is the new bone developing. On the bright side the doc has given me the green light to start using the leg again, but I can only put 25lbs on it. The rest must be distributed among the crutches. My leg is weak and can barely handle the 25! If you think about it, only what muscles I have left and the steel bar, that is bolted in me, are supporting the weight.

Yesterday I walked down my street and back(only one block), and that nearly killed me! Once I was back in the house I had a chest pain and couldn’t breathe. Today my legs are sore and every time I move I feel as if I am about to get a Charlie Horse. I’m slowly building up and hoping to be able to use only a cane, to help me walk, by November. It is difficult to not let this relearning dampen my mood. I really have to trust in what Christ is working in me. I literally don’t know how to walk anymore. I have to constantly concentrate on making the proper motion with my left leg. It is a very humbling experience, not to mention embarrassing. You never realize how much you take for granted until it is taken away. The funny thing people hear that all the time, but yet still take some of the simplest things for granted.

“Learning to walk again”

///Clay///

I Am Clayton And I Approve This Message

I find myself struggling to stay positive.

This past week I have made an improvement to the bending of my leg. It was at 35° on the 4th, then this past week I made it to 50°!!! That same day I fell onto my bad leg, which has no muscle strength to support the weight. I came crashing down like crippled old person, my leg buckling under me. It caused intense pain and I screamed bloody murder for at least 5-10 minutes. Ever since that day my femur, where the screw is bolted in, is sore and hurts every time I move my leg. I have lost progress, setting me back to about 40-45°. I can’t wait for the doctor to tell me I can start putting some weight on it again so I can start building that leg strength back. Not sure exactly how that works though….

I just sent in the last bit of information to the Social Security people, for them to review my case. Now I just have to wait 2-4 months for a reply. I also still have to take defensive driving for the ticket from the day of the accident. I believe its due sometime in October, “sigh”. The life-flight people are harassing me as well. They want money, blah blah blah! I just sent them a form with my information on it hoping that they will back off and give me to make money before I pay. I’m just so tired of dealing with all this financial, state, government crap. I need a vacation! Speaking of, I am still going on my honeymoon no matter my condition. A cruise into the Caribbean! I pray that I will be able to walk at least with a cane by then.

“no more paperwork”

///Clay///

2008 is to Me Like Rain is to a Fresh Painting

Times can be tough, and unexpected sometimes… I seem to be facing a lot of those “times” lately.

I find that I wont be leaving the Parental Units Residence anytime soon. After a lot of thought Kathryn and I have decided to take my parents offer and stay with them. I wish I knew how long I would be under their wings, but some things remain uncertain. Our lack of income and the difficult, tedious, process involved with getting disability put us at a disadvantage. I hope to be able to recover quickly find a decent paying job and find a new home for the “New Hamm’s”. If it weren’t for my family I don’t know where I would go. As for my last home, it is unfortunate that I did not get to spend more time with my Asian brother, but it seems my time at the condo has come to an impasse. I just hope now that since I am not around he can still find time to hang out.

My situation just seems to keep bringing up more issues. It has made getting married a difficult task, so my fiance and I have decided to just go to the court house. We still plan to get married on the 1st of November and plan to have a festivity of sorts for my close friends and family to celebrate. Now I just have to let my groomsmen down easy and tell them I wont be needing them anymore… “sigh” I believe that it is for the best and will make the quandary less stressful. None the less I am still very excited about getting married! It will still be the happiest day of my life, handicapped or not.

“sigh”

///Clay///

Climbing Mountains with the Handicapped

It seems God has prompted me for some moderation. Within the last week I have had a $64,000 debt to the hospital erased with the help of a “charity balance”. I made another visit to the hospital and was told the news of signs of bone growth. Then I had been outfitted with a new leg brace with a hinge, and have started the very painful process of trying to get my leg to bend again. Also my parents have gone on their trip to Maine and gave me the master bedroom for the time being. Last but definitely not least, my Fiance and I are starting to turn our focus on wedding plans.

It seems that for the wedding, most of the preparations will be done by Kathryn and I alone. It will be difficult to find ways to pay for it all but we can be self efficient and will do it. Help is always appreciated but the ones who offered to help from Kat’s side of the family have backed out, and put us back to the drawing board. Times continue to grow stressful but I remain vigilant with my love at my side.

My life is far from perfect, but none the less with all circumstances in front of me somehow I’ve found this peace that God is controlling it all. Probably the best part about living a simple life, is the fact that when God wants to make a change we are open to it. There are no plans that will hinder God’s will. I don’t know what to expect from the next day but I have a faith that keeps me happy with where I am, and where I am going.

“I can do all things through Christ”

///Clay///

Look Up In The Sky!

It’s a bird, it’s a plane! No it’s my wife to be! Many times since my accident Kathryn has told me that she wants to be “Superwoman”! She has been my greatest caretaker, and there is nothing I could do that would show her how thankful I am. She has stayed by my side every night since the wreck, sleeping in the uncomfortable chair next to my hospital bed, answering my every cry throughout the night. This has tested her commitment to me and the end result is the act of true love. I just hope everyone realizes that I would do the same for her. I love the ambition of my significant other, but no matter how bad she wants it she can’t do it all. She may never be able to fly or be in all places at once, but she will always be my superwoman in my heart.

“Actions speak louder than words”

///Clay///

61 Staples

Yesterday I was at UTMB for an appointment. The doctor was checking on my progress to see where I was at. they cut off my casts and removed all the staples from my leg. 61 staples to be exact! Some didn’t hurt at all, others were nearly unbearable. They also removed the stitches from my hand. I was so scared to look at my leg.

We were now off to the X-ray room. They took all their shots and sat us in a room for about 20 minutes. The doctor came back and said that there was no evidence of bone growth and that I would need to keep my leg straight until there was some regeneration. Originally we were supposed to get a brace with a hinge so I could bend my leg but I have to wait two more weeks before they can take another look. The doctor also concluded that there is a chance that I might not have full motion in my leg ever again. I find this line of thought to give me chills.

I got a new, more revealing splint for my hand, that can be taken on and off, and was informed that I must start working the fingers before the tendons shrink permanently. My fingers are very stiff and hurt every time I try but the hand therapist lady stated that its totally normal, and it will take a while.

This was the first time that I got to see my x-rays. I distinguished that I have three screws in my hand holding the first metacarpal bone together, and that I contain a metal bar in my leg from the top of my left femur down to the knee with multiple screws in the joint to hold it all in place. There is nothing really left of my lower femur where it meets the joint and without the bar my leg would be like rubber bending in any direction. My only prayer right now is that in two weeks there is some sign of bone growth so i can get my hinged brace.

“living by faith”

///Clay///

Forcibly Resigned

This has been a tough month for me. I’ve sold my precious muscle car, I had a horrible accident and have had to lay still ever since. I’ve got all of these new financial and medical problems to worry about. The worst of all is this, my job (NASA security) does not look kindly upon the part-time wounded. After calling them multiple times I finally get a hold of the security HR lady. She sadly informs me that because I have not worked there for at least a year, I have no type of leave available. Her only alternative was to terminate me. So here I am a broken, unemployed, unable to take care of myself individual, who is staying at his parents house.

I put a lot of effort into getting that job. I asked around and researched the job to figure out what the job requirements were and then set them as my goal. I attended school for a week to obtain the license necessary to get the job. I applied three times, called twice, and emailed once to show my persistence. After about a month they finally contacted me for an interview I had learned that I must run a mile, be able to do push ups and sit ups, and qualify at the gun range. Of course I put in effort so I would be ready for these test and in the end I passed! I worked there for a little over a month and have already been kicked out with the cold request of the return of my uniform. Who knows why this has happened? Only God does. Maybe my time in the security field is finished, or maybe its not. Only time will tell. I just know that my Provider will be there for me.

“Unemployed”

///Clay///

6A Room 12

It was a cloudy Friday afternoon and I geared up, sliding on a shiny new helmet. I climbed onto my new 2-wheeled beast (2006 Suzuki GSX-R 750) and decided to take the rest of the day to learn how to move in sync with the machine. I had been riding for about an hour when I had became impatient with a slow-turning vehicle. I took the advantage to give a little extra gas and go around the slowpoke. Once cleared, i began to coast and noticed a cop to my right. I looked down at my speedometer and realized that I was going 69 in a 45. Without delay, the cop on his bike chased after me and pulled me over. Not only did i get a ticket, but I also discovered that someone had stolen my license plate, and received another penalty for not having my proof of insurance yet, even though it was in route via mail. They didn’t just take the license plate, but the entire license plate holder which also had my registration and inspection on it. This was not how I wanted to spend my first day with my new toy. I ended up going to the courthouse a couple blocks away in hopes to get a new license plate. I stood in line for about half an hour, the whole time reminiscing about my old V8, which I had sold just that same week. Of course by the time it was my turn, the lady said there was nothing I could do at that point and time. I didn’t want this to ruin my day, so I decided to shrug it off for the moment and continue to ride. I ended up in the town that my parents live and wanted to show them my new ride. Of course, when I got there, it appeared no one was home. I sighed, continued about my journey, and then five minutes later, saw my father on his motorcycle heading home. I waved trying to get his attention, but I didn’t think he recognized me, so when he passed, I turned to look, but he did not look back. As i looked back in front of me, it had come to my realization that the black pickup truck in front of me had come to a complete stop. I don’t exactly remember how much space was between me and him when I realized this, but I took the only action necessary and leaned right as hard as I could, trying to make it to the shoulder. Almost to my goal, I hit the edge of his back bumper and was sky-rocketed off of the crotch-rocket. After the first hit on the pavement, I see the bike barrelling past me, flying into pieces. After a couple more skips across the ground, I come to a dead stop into a street sign. Within seconds, immense pain takes over my body. I lift my head up to look at myself and see that just above my knee, my leg had folded against itself to where my ankle was wedged between the sign and my hip. It had shattered my femur with bones protruding out of the skin. Witnesses come rushing over to the accident to try and help me, and then call 911. It wasn’t long before they realized I was losing too much blood, and had to life-flight me to the hospital.

My stay at the hospital was not the most pleasant and not on the end that I would want to be on. It was a very long week, but I had many people come out to show their support. Feeling for all the people that cared for me brought me to tears and helped keep me happy. And the best of all was that my loving fiance stayed every night with me. After my release, my parents took me in to keep watch over me and I’m glad to finally be out of there. It’s going to be a long way to recovery and to be honest, I’m scared, but I can’t focus on this Goliath that is facing me. I must focus on God.

“It sucks to have to lay still”

///Clay///

Government Security Clearance

I took all the tests at NASA this past Wednesday. It was pretty easy. I had to complete a mile run, push-ups, sit-ups, firearm qualifications, drug test and a physical. I was relieved to know I was finished. It didn’t end there though. The New hire trainer said, “good job, now take home this packet and complete it by Monday”. I opened up the packet to see what I had to do. This freaking thing was 30 pages long and required extensive information from 10 years ago. I was only 12!! Its hard to provide them with the information they want when I was just hitting puberty. It also asks for every ones middle name and date of birth, including all my old Boss’s. Ive spent quite a bit of time tracking down the information they want, and hope that it is good enough for them. Once they feds receive it they are supposed to contact every person I listed in the packet; relatives, close friends, and past co-workers. After it is all finally cleared I will then have government security clearance.

“TMI”

///Clay///