One One Dash One

One One Dash One Dash Zero Seven

I met a girl who I am just completely infatuated with. We hang out at the Kemah Boardwalk and spend some time looking at the stars on the helipad, nestled at  the top of the parking garage. The sky is blanketed in dark blue, decorated with a thousand little candles. The cars headlights appear over the top of the bridge adjacent to the dancing luminescence upon the waves. A hundred boats fill the dock gently swaying into the night. This is where I asked her to be my girlfriend.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Eight

I struggle to walk out in front of the Church. The glass cane was just too insufficient to hold me. My Pastor gives me support to aid in my inadequate and feeble steps. I begin to realize that my suit is a little cramped as I had gained some weight from the death-defying accident. It was only five months ago that the tragedy happened; just a week after I had proposed. Now here I stand in front of current and soon-to-be family with a gaze of admiration toward that same girl I met only a year ago. She slowly approaches me and for a moment the music and crowd fade away. Such a simple moment of bliss staring into each others eyes. The Pastor begins the ceremony, and brings two individuals into a God crafted unity. This is where I said “I do”.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Nine

Its our one year anniversary today! I take in everything that has happened since we first met. Quite a story if you ask me. We have moved 5 times since then, and we have both gone through multiple jobs. There was the accident, the surgery, the hurricane, the wedding, the financial struggle, and the second surgery. Here I sit with my leg inoperable and encased in an ilizarov.  The self-sufficient, speed walking Clay no longer exists. I find myself bordering on, claiming full dependence upon my wife for my every need. NO job and no strength, Kathryn carries the burden of our livelihood. Its our  anniversary and I offer nothing to the table except my love. The blessing is that LOVE is enough for our happiness to remain constant and true. The pursuit of happiness, a universal goal sought by all and found by few. Even with all physical and financial struggles we remain among the few. ONE ONE DASH ONE, you are the third of the many to come. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“Thank you Lord for blessing me, Amen.”

My Halo

I think back to over a year ago, and I remember one day so clearly. The day that has been branded “the worst day of my life”. That “worst day” has had a tremendous impact on my life. It has governed every decision Ive made since then. The effects of that “worst day” still linger like a sour taste in my mouth. So many little choices lead up to that day. A lot of little choices that would be considered irrelevant to the course. A handful of minuscule unplanned events that lead to that exact spot, on June 6th 2008. Where my father had left at the right time which would put him passing me at the exact moment the car in front of me hit the brakes. There are so many little details which laid the course of that day. (just for the record I do not blame my father for what happened that day)

Now, exactly one year and four months later, October 6th, 2009, I will be undergoing a second surgery. It will be an attempt to salvage my leg, and give me the ability to walk again. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work any better than the first but it is my best option. Here is the doctors plan- The gap in the original break (which is about three inches) is too great and from the trauma will not heal on its own. The goal is to shrink the gap and compress the two broken ends together. I have to create three fresh inches of bone.

First he will remove the metal plates and screws that are currently in my leg. Then he will run a metal rod through the center of my bone. He will break my femur up high to make the bridging site. The middle piece which is now separated at the top and bottom will continue to heal at the top as it is slowly slid down the metal rod. It will continue to “lengthen” until the two ends reach creating the docking site. In order to adjust the middle piece I will be outfitted with an external fixator aka, a halo. I am to wear the halo until the two ends reach each other. More than likely, once my leg is healed my knee will no longer bend so I will then have to undergo knee surgery… The doctor said it could be two more years from now before I can walk normal again.

- External Fixator “halo”

///Clay///

I Hate Baseball And Its Curve-Ball

Its been a while since I’ve made my last entry… Life seemed to become a little more “normal” filled with errands, work, and school. We even played with the idea of buying a house. I felt like that even though I wasn’t 100 percent physically, I was living my life like I used to (just slightly more busy). Once again life throws a curve-ball at me. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan.

I am reaching the end of my summer school classes and have already registered for Fall classes. Five to be exact. That’s a lot of classes, but luckily for me right at the same time I will be getting laid off from work. That way I can focus directly on school. It seems as though the tough times the country is facing has reached me in my job. Yet it all seemed to be working out. Kathryn works and makes enough to support both of us while I finish school.

Another up-side is the fact that now Kathryn has insurance so I can move forward with my “bum” leg. In fact I had my first doctor visit today through Dr. Vander-something… I’ll just call him Dr.Van. Dr.Van was one of the doctors recommended to me by my friend Daniel. Dr.Van did some X-rays and gave me his diagnosis. HERE’S WHERE THE CURVE-BALL COMES IN. It turns out my leg is worse off than I thought. The rundown is my femur bone is all funky and has not been growing so I need a bone graft(I expected that) and my alignment of the plate and my knee are slightly off. Off by a mere 6 degrees causing a slight bowed leg. This is damaging my knee and will cause severe arthritis on one side. Dr.Van is sending me to see a doctor in Houston who he says is one of the best to deal with my “delicate” disaster. Dr.Van says I have two options. I can take the long safe route, or the shorter and less predictable route. The long route is to have the obvious bone graft, and have the metal removed from my leg so it can be realigned and then install an external fixator. The shorter path is to have the afore said bone graft, and a repeat of my original surgery. Go in remove the metal, realign everything and put in new metal plates and screws. Either way I have to have extensive surgery with another lovely week stay in the hospital. Its the anti-vacation resort.

Now lets step back and take a look at the full spectrum of this proceeding. All the goals I have been setting up are now being altered or postponed. As far as my normality goes, its being sent back to square one. Then theres school… I have to go and explain that I have to drop my classes so I can have surgery (hoping that I can still finish under the same parameters I originally set up). House hunting, well you can just forget that. Even though we have insurance its still gonna take bite out of our money. One thing I have learned about planning is that, “the only thing that you can rely on in life to not change is the fact that everything will change”. Your mindset will change, plans will change, the course you follow will change. This rearrangement scares me. I am afraid of the pain I have to endure for the second time. The nightmare of my past comes alive to haunt me once more.

“Everything Changes”

Lifeless Like A Corpse

It seems that lately my mind has been stuck in some sort of rut. I haven’t had any new insights, or even felt like Ive grown or changed in any way the past month…. The lack of inspiration has caused a lack of thoughts and ideas for writing in my journal. I feel like I have been coasting through this past month on autopilot. Stuck in a mundane routine that is draining the very life-force out of me. I like things being simple, and leading a fairly simple life. Too much complexity would just cause stress and unhappiness in life but it seems that the opposite is true as well. It seems that life has been too simple this past month… So simple that I feel dead. Reluctant to get out of bed and once I am out of bed I dont want to move or do anything. If I didnt know any better I would say that these were symptoms of depression. No… the lack of motivation has seemingly spread. Infecting me like a virus turning the many quiet hours where I sit at home and wait for fellowship from my wife into a poison. a poison that is eating my morale and consuming my energy.

In light of all these things it appears the natural course of life is about to change all that. My non-existent life is being rolled up into a ball and tossed into the flames. I am going from nothing to having a full-time schedule, filled with work and studying of things that make absolutely no sense to me. The mundane routine that has been the center of this void is about to be disfigured and rearranged to create a pattern of change and filled schedules. I pray that this drastic change wont take a toll on me. That this disruption in my current pattern will not be too complex to where life is not enjoyable.

“blank”

///Clay///

Christian Love

Love. The Core of a Christians life. A word that has lost its meaning in the modern world. What makes Christian love different from the rest of the world? The only one who can give the perfect answer would be Christ Himself. For we all are human; filled with error and sin. How many times do Christians abandon Christian LOVE? Too often we mold the Christian life to our design, which ultimately disgraces God. We cant reflect God without showing the love of Christ- THE CHRISTIAN LOVE. I want to look at Love from the view of Jesus.

How can you learn about the Core of a Christian life? The best place to start would be 1 Corinthians 13, aka the Love Chapter. Look at what Love IS. It is patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hoping, preserving, it always rejoices in truth, and it does not keep record of wrong doing. How many people in the world ALWAYS follow at least half of these? The answer is no one. There might be a time where you are following every single one, but how long is it till you slip? Lets break down each one.

Patient

“Patience is a virtue”, the phrase everyone hears growing up. The definition of patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset. The key here is to tolerate without getting angry. People believe because they can compose themselves on the outside (while feeling irritated or angry on the inside) and tolerate someone or something, they are demonstrating patience. Wrong!!! To truly be patient you have to stay composed on the inside as well as the outside. When we are not being patient we tend to break a couple of the other ones. We stop being kind, we attack instead of protect, and we seem to remember all of their other faults right about now. In our lack of patience we tend to be rude and talk down to one another. I know a family, that will go unmentioned, that talks to each other in a belittling and degrading way. The parents and children all disrespect each other, talking as if the other were a stupid and pathetic person. I hate being around them when this is happening but what am I to say? Would they listen or even believe me?

If we can truly regard ourselves as humble servants and that we are to uplift others, then maybe we will be able to be patient in love. Look at how a young girl going through puberty treats a jock she is completely  infatuated with, especially if he is a jerk. She constantly put herself aside and ignore the short comings of this jerk. Why? Because she holds him up on a pedestal (for the wrong reasons). Now obviously she is making a mistake but if the Christian could take the principle behind this and put everyone else above themselves then we would be like Christ.

Kind

Love is kind. The definition of kind is, having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature. To be kind is to be careful not to inconvenience or hurt others. Here we can see clearly the Core problem that keeps us from showing love, and that is Selfishness. Selfishness is what our human nature is built off of. The fall of man was caused by the greed to know all things like God. Greed is just another word for selfishness. Self is what causes sin, and prohibits love. How often are we actually concerned about what inconveniences another person? If we are full heartily seeking God then we should want to help others. Too many times we make self-righteous judgments and look down on one other. This gives us the “I am better than you” complex, leading us to treat people rudely instead of with kindness and compassion. In order to truly be kind in the Christian love, you must extend it to the people outside of your social group. Even the sinners love those who love them. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 5.

Protecting/Preserving

To protect/preserve is to keep safe from harm or injury. It is obvious how you apply this to your close friends and family, but how do you show it to the world? The kingdom of Heaven is available to the whole world if they accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. It is our job to bring the Word of God to the world so that they may be saved. the Word of God is their only defense against sin. Without Christ as their “lawyer” before the Judge, they are doomed to eternal damnation. In exhibiting Christian Love we should have the desire to protect them from their chosen destination. Once again in our self-righteous judgment we see them unworthy of Gods gift. How dare we condemn the blind to walk off the cliff. Shall we call ourselves murderers? Let us extend our hands out to the lost; show them the door Jesus is knocking on. If they refuse then they have made their decision, but should we stop praying for them? Never! Let us preserve the Word of God in our hearts so the we may be mirrors reflecting the light of Christ.

Trusting/Hoping

To trust is to believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trust and hope are apart of faith. It means believing the best of it all. When we pray to God and it feels like there was no answer to our prayer we are to trust that he knows whats best. We need to let Him do His will and just have faith. No matter the circumstance we should have a positive outlook and know that all things happen for a reason and hope for the best. When we look out at the world the same still applies. This doesnt mean believe every little lie that is told to you because you are to assume the best. Rather, take each person and situation and look at it from the most positive perspective. Someone treats you like garbage- Should you judge this person as rude? No you should believe that they must of had a bad day and you happened to be there to see it. We shouldnt judge based on things we think or see, but only on those things that we know are facts.

It always rejoices in truth/ It does not keep record of wrong

These two are self explanatory… Yet we tend to get mad at truth when it is correcting us, like the pharisees being corrected by Jesus. Here is where pride comes into play.  Having pride is being pleased with yourself, dwelling on your achievements, thinking about you, you, you, you… And we are right back at selfishness. It is truly our self-seeking ways that keep us from unconditional love.

We also tend to keep a detailed record book, for each individual person we know, that is kept in the bitterness file cabinet. When someone does something that makes us angry and we hold on to it, that becomes bitterness. The Bible says not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. If we hold on to it we are making a record of it and we file it away in bitterness. The cabinet needs to be locked up and the key needs to be thrown away. There is nothing in that cabinet except self-gratification. Theres that word again, SELF.

Self has got to GO

The Bible talks about in Romans 14 that we should be able make adjustments about our life not because its sinful but for the love and respect of our brothers. This can never be achieved if we put ourselves at the center. It was true when they said the nice guy finishes last. To live like Christ we must put ourselves last. Oh how beautiful it would be if all Christians lived fully devoted to God, with self placed on the shelf.

“Love’s Achilles Heel is Selfishness”

///Clay///

Donuts- A Gift From God

Last Sunday I got out of bed 20 minutes before I was supposed to be at Church. I threw myself together and hit the door. On the drive there my stomach began to complain about the lack of attention it got. I  thought to myself oh this was a bad idea, I should of grabbed a banana or something!! We arrive one minute before Sunday School is scheduled to start(not that it ever starts on time). As we sit in the classroom I begin to pray quietly, “Lord, please don’t let this hunger distract me from you today”. Just as I finish praying the Assistant Pastor from another class walks into the room with a box of donuts and says, “Anybody want some donuts? We had one box too many”.

Now the Lord gave me something to eat to calm my stomach and let me listen to the message. I asked and recieved in the name of Jesus, but look at that a little more closely! I didn’t pray a selfish prayer, I didnt even asked to be fed. Instead I asked that He wont let me be distracted. My prayer wasn’t about me but rather about respect for God’s Word. I wanted to be able to recieve his Word.  My heart was right when I made the prayer and He rewarded me with His blessing (which happen to be donuts). This should be applied to every prayer that we make. Our heart should be seeking Him, not some personal hidden agenda, or self gain.

“Prayer Works”

///Clay///

To Live Like Jesus

I find that if your not constantly thinking about Christ throughout the day, it is very easy to sin. Recently my mind has been ever focused on the things of God and I notice a lot of things that I have to watch out for.

>It starts with your mood when you wake up in the morning, immediately you must consider how your mood is going to affect your decisions, so I start by singing a song to God or by praying.(Lately that song has been Hands And Feet, by Audio Adrenaline) Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

>You constantly have to keep watch on what thoughts flood your mind. Which also means you need to control what you allow yourself to hear and see. Mostly music and television… I find the best cure is not to listen to any secular music or watch any tv. I do however have one show a week I watch and I love to go see movies. Also thoughts can contribute to actions, if you control your thoughts this should keep you from reaching in the “cookie jar”. Hebrews 4:12 For the Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

> Being selfish is a big one! Interaction with the people around you can cause selfishness. You should always be there with love and respect to those around you, even your enemies. Love is a big part of this. The definition of the phrase “for love” for pleasure not profit. If you focus on the fact that you love “insert person here”, whether they are your friend or not it should please you to do things for them. It pleases me to make you happy because I love you. Philipians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

> Pride… It is hard to keep yourself in a position of humility. It is a good practice to constantly remind yourself that you are here as a servant of the Lord, Ambassadors from Heaven. We are here to promote all things Holy. Pride also keeps others from helping you when you make mistakes and need correction. Proverbs 10:17 He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads other astray.

>In the constant flow of life it is easy to forget to pray. Prayer is essential to our relationship with God. Instead of thinking things to yourself through the day direct those thoughts to God, which by proxy will help control thoughts you shouldn’t have. This action keeps you in constant contact with God helping you develop righteous habits. I Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful; pray continually

> What you condone. If those that are close to you tell you things not of God and you don’t do anything about it, you are in a sense condoning their actions against God. Titus 2:1 You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine.

“Taking up the cross daily”

///Clay///

Fellowship Of The Narrow Path

Just the other day I had asked a friend how was his life with God, and replied that it wasn’t where it should be. He told me that he tries to straighten up, but cant stay focused and ends right back where he was. This is the simile he used; “Its like having your car stuck in a hole, You gain momentum and start getting out then it just starts to slide right back in”. I heard this and had to think about it. MY RESPONSE- What do you do when your car gets stuck in a ditch? You call a tow truck to pull you out!

I told him that I as a fellow believer could be his “tow truck”; the friend who is there to help make sure you don’t fall. Every time there is a struggle you turn to your brother until you regain your footing. You see this is my perception of what a church is. A group of people who all make mistakes, who are all there to help keep each other right in God’s eyes.  A church can’t reach out to the lost until they have reached to all of their own first. Once all of the Church becomes a community, they can begin to work together to fulfill God’s purpose. One little candle isn’t enough to light a whole house, but if you get 5 or 6 working together the house WILL be lit.

“one little candle”

///Clay///

Fourth Time’s The Charm?

So today was very interesting… Yes interesting will be the word. 

My hair had been bothering me and never stayed just the way I wanted it. It always grew too fast, so of course the logical thing to do was get it cut. That’s a simple task, right? I walked into Super-Cuts and asked for short spiky hair. “I want a 1/4 inch on the sides and an inch on top. Leave the sideburns.”   The lady who looked completely Zombi-fied, responds, “kay”. 

ATTEMPT #1- I’m watching her cut my hair and I don’t want to be rude but I am certain she is using the wrong size… So I wait. Buzz…… “Hows that?”, she asks. I try to keep my cool but it was obvious she didnt even listen to me. I look into the mirror and see all she did was a trim…

ATTEMPT #2- BUZZ………………… “How’s That?”…. Once again she gave me a trim off of my trim. I tell her I want it to be a fourth on the sides and the other lady over hears me and tells her to use a number 2.

ATTEMPT #3-  Buzz……. “hows that?” She shaves up half the way on the sides and finally cuts the top to the right length, but does not fade in the two different lengths. I’m starring at myself with a short version of the chinese bowl cut, with untouched bushy sideburns… Now I’m pretty sure that when you tell someone to leave the sideburns they still know to cut the hair down to size but not tamper with how far down it comes. She literally just left them as they were! I have no idea what this woman is thinking but is clear that nothing I am saying is registering inside…

ATTEMPT #4- Buzz……. She cleans up the sideburns and finally brings the fade in, but before she could say -how’s that, I tell her to bring the fade up a little… Finally we are done! I have never had that much trouble with my hair before. It took soo long, I mean the other lady saw three different people while I was being done. 

“longest hair cut ever”

///Clay///

The Burdens That Mold Life

There just seems to be so much uncertainty in my life right now. I feel like I’ve lost my direction… in the past I have always had some kind of plan laid out on how my future would unfold and for the most part I would stick with it. My finances, my living situation, job related stuff, etc. I kept it all in perspective to my personal and simple needs. Now more than ever I find I have to rely on God and not my own self,  because I no longer have a set perspective on how things should go or what I am aiming for. I have to trust that Christ will lead me to the right course of action. It’s hard not to get overwhelmed in thoughts of everything that has built up around me. Its like walls of steel cutting me off from the outside and no matter how hard I scream no one will hear me. There is just too much to handle in the big picture! I must give it to God and he will work me through it in small bites (EASIER SAID THAN DONE). I just need alot of prayer from everyone. In hopes that blessing are just around the corner I will stay optimistic!

“Where will this cripple be next?”

///Clay///

Defining2008/ For Better Or For Worse

///2008///

I must say that this has been the most eventful year of my life. I have had my Best and Worst experiences this year. I will make top ten of each just for fun.

WORST

10. On the day of my accident I had to go to training… we had a two minute survival drill. I had to fight off two Beastly guys, and well lets say they left me with quite a headache. They kicked my butt

9. After my accident I filled out and dealt with all types of paperwork for Social Security but still didn’t get approved… jerks

8. Over the course of the year I had gotten 6 traffic violation tickets… hee hee oops. I can’t even remember what they were for

7. My stupid and selfish self decided that I wanted a cool bike so I sold my only car for it. The Mustang GT… Oh well things happen for a reason and I would not be where I am now if I hadn’t

6. Because of obvious circumstances I lost my home with my brother Daniel… had to move back with my parents for the third time

5. Plain and simple…. Osama won the election, oops I mean OBAMA

4. This one is a biggie for me personally… I gained twenty pounds of FAT all in my stomach. YEP I have a gut

3. I lost my job at NASA… they didnt care

2. IKE hit the coast… It took my family’s home, my backup car, my other motorcycle, and thousands of dollars worth of other belongings of mine.

1. NUMBER ONE!!! the most obvious of all, the motorcycle accident which has left me starting the new year crippled.

BEST-

10. I started a cool collection of canes. My two favorite would have to be the glass one and the one with flames

9. I have gotten a better relationship with my in-laws through everything that has happened.

8. I got a computer, a MAC to be more precise. I love it I have spent a lot of time making fun music

7. When I worked for the mall I got promoted to a Supervisor =) That is really good for a resume

6. Even though there a bunch of “little” things that could be fixed, I got a really cool car 1987 Camaro IROC-Z. It has a nice big 350 V8 engine… “Manly Chuckles” >=D

5. Through one of my Wife’s friends we were led to a home Church.

4. Through all the things in my life especially this year I had all my closest friends there for me whenever I needed them. Except when I lived with Daniel, he was never home. HA!

3. God blessed me greatly! I had almost $80,000 in medical bills and God took it all away! I owe nothing. Thank you Jesus =D

2. I went on my first cruise! It was for my honeymoon, and we had a blast! YAY I love boats!!!

1. The Number ONE best thing that has happened for 2008, is that I got to make my best friend and the love of my life, MY WIFE. I can’t be without her

“A roller-coaster year”

///Clay///

5 Months, and 13 Days Later

The Honeymoon is OVER! It is with much reluctance that I say the honeymoon is over and its back to the real world. I wish it wasn’t over, it was so great! The weather was perfect and the water was so blue. I wish I had a big yacht and could just stay out there in the middle no where forever. I took a bunch of pics and recorded little bits here and there. As soon as we got home I put all the pics/video together and made a movie/slideshow. Its pretty cool almost half an hour long.

Waking up to reality and now there is so much to be done. I have to start looking for work again, even though I’m not completely healed. Considering my condition I would have to work somewhere where I can sit on my butt. My leg is very weak and can’t support itself nor can it bend fully. Even more so the weather outside greatly affects my leg. That narrows the jobs down to one which is indoors and in a chair. Hopefully someone will have compassion for my crippled self and will hire me. 

Next on the list, Transportation. I need a vehicle. One that runs without any extra costs to keep it running. I don’t want to have to always borrow someone else’s car but I really wont have a choice till I can make enough to buy my own. Sometimes I just hate cars, not enough money for them but can’t do anything without them. 

I also have to try to schedule an appointment with my ortho doctor, who I haven’t been able to get a hold of since IKE. It is really frustrating and upsetting that no one will take me in. Its been over three months since I seen him last. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or how to build up my leg strength. I need to know how much bone growth I have, if any….

Last Kathryn has to get all of her information changed with everyone. Starting with the social security people. You cant change any of the simple stuff till you changed your drivers license, and you can’t change your drivers license until you’ve changed you SS card. Paperwork, paperwork…

“cripple looking for work”

///Clay///

Walking At The Speed Of Turtle

Recovery… That’s a big word. The return to a normal state of health, mind, and strength; recovery. So what exactly am I recovering to? Its very obvious that things will never be quite like it used to be. In fact there is no way to know what the end result will look like. I can’t recover to the normality I used to have. I will recover to a new state of “normal”, but what will it look like? According to the Doctor, there is only a small chance that I will regain my full leg use and motion again. As it stands right now it doesn’t seem like I will have full motion again. In fact I will probably forever feel chronic pain in my knee and have limited bending. Which also tells me that I will likely always have a cane handy to help relieve the pressure on my knee. No more running around or jumping… Too much wear and I will have to have knee replacement surgery. People just don’t seem to understand the extent in which my leg was broken to. I turned it into shards that ripped through my leg tissue and muscle. Not something easy to “recover” from. I don’t have a problem accepting the fact that I can’t be running around, its just crazy to think about how much of an impact it has made on my future. The cool thing is I get to collect cool looking canes, and will probably always get to park in the handicap zone =). Having a bum leg isn’t so bad, it helps give new connotation to the world around me. 

“The New Normal”

///Clay///

My Way Or The Highway

Opinions

Everybody has their own opinion about everything. Opinions are good and help define who we are, and getting someone else’s opinion is nice. Unless it wasn’t asked for… All the time I hear “you NEED…-opinion attached here-”. Since when are the things I “NEED” everyone else’s inclination? If they want to express their opinion, they should say “should” instead. People believe that their way is the best way and it will work the same for everyone. NO! Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean I will have the same ramification. You need to cut your hair, you need a different job, you need a new car, you need a new girlfriend, you need to eat more/less… I have had enough of those. 

“I NEED a break from outside perspective”

///Clay///

Synthetic Composure

I finally have been ///plugged-in/// I have a computer again. After much consideration I felt a Macbook was the best decision. Its been very productive as well, because it has given me a musical outlet. I now have found a way for me to make a complete song, 12 in fact. Its not what I expected to do with music but I actually like the result. I never was good with the “band thing” anyway. I just find it hard to work well with others. If I really want to accomplish something its best for me to do it alone. Anyway its techno/electro/composition.  My music name is Bolted Redemption, and the album is called 1,000 Miles To Home. Any of my friends who want a copy can have one. Here is the discography-

Bolted Redemption

1,000 Miles To Home

1.Wrong Directions

2.Calm To Chaos

3.The Harrowing Path

4.The Price For Freedom

5.Power Nap

6.One Thousand Miles To Home

7. A World Of Dim Lights And Dream Filled Nights

8.Sky Voyage

9.Open Eyes For The First Time

10.Virtual Domain 

11.Twenty ‘O’ Eight

12.Nobody Likes Goodbye’s

 

 

“I’m a composer”

///Clay///

The Place Where Domestic Affections Are Centered

///I SEE 911///

Its about two weeks before Hurricane IKE

makes its devastating landfall

I am just spending plenty of time at home not concerned with anything but my progress to recovery. I notice a strange reoccurring event. Every night I look at the clock at exactly 9:11pm. The first three times didn’t phase me but by the fourth night it began to feel unusual. I continued to see the clock at exactly 9:11 everyday up through September 10th.

9/11/08- I wake up that morning quite early to check out the news on the storm. We realize that we have no choice but to evacuate. My family makes the move to stay with my Moms family in Odessa and Kathryn and I will be in Pasadena with her family. We pack the needed items, mostly clothes and important documents, etc, and head out.

9/12/08- We all gather in front of the TV and watch IKE lurk in the gulf. The storm hits and the electricity is exterminated.

9/14/08- I can’t take the anxiety of not knowing whats happened to my home. Kathryn and I make are way to my family’s home. Once we arrive we immediately notice the water line on the door… water had made it in the house. I struggle to get up the damaged front steps and open the front door. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The house was filled with warm rancid smell of fish and rotting food, and sludgy mud blanketing the floor. My insides turned sour as I peered into the house. Unable to enter the slippery floors with my broken leg, Kathryn ventured in alone to take pictures of the damage. The floors were bubbled and warped, and the walls were soaked in salt water. The majority of our belongings were left in ruins.

No matter how hard I fought it, I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I began to weep and broke down. The home I spent the major part of my  life in, was desecrated by infamous Ike. The warmth and love that filled that house had vacated, leaving me feeling empty and dark. It’s not the material that leaves a lump in my throat but rather the “place”. – The place I could always come to. The place that was my refuge. The place where the people that meant the most to me resided, whether they knew it or not…. Looking at the pictures and videos of that house when it was full of life cut me deep. I cried myself to sleep. It is now the 15th, and I awake with tears in my eyes.

“absent, gone, lacking, lost, misplaced, omitted, wanting”

…///Clay///

///Bolted Redemption/// -TM-

My last visit to the Doctor was productive, but not exactly what I was hoping for. I’ll start with the bad news; my bone growth is really dragging along. There is an improvement from last time but not much. When I look at the x-ray you can see all the bone fragments, and then a white haze outlining the bone pieces. The “haze” is the new bone developing. On the bright side the doc has given me the green light to start using the leg again, but I can only put 25lbs on it. The rest must be distributed among the crutches. My leg is weak and can barely handle the 25! If you think about it, only what muscles I have left and the steel bar, that is bolted in me, are supporting the weight.

Yesterday I walked down my street and back(only one block), and that nearly killed me! Once I was back in the house I had a chest pain and couldn’t breathe. Today my legs are sore and every time I move I feel as if I am about to get a Charlie Horse. I’m slowly building up and hoping to be able to use only a cane, to help me walk, by November. It is difficult to not let this relearning dampen my mood. I really have to trust in what Christ is working in me. I literally don’t know how to walk anymore. I have to constantly concentrate on making the proper motion with my left leg. It is a very humbling experience, not to mention embarrassing. You never realize how much you take for granted until it is taken away. The funny thing people hear that all the time, but yet still take some of the simplest things for granted.

“Learning to walk again”

///Clay///

Musical Inspiration ///Rock’n'Roll///

I’ve started playing guitar again. My hand is relearning the chords quite well, and it feels nice to be able to do something I enjoy again. In fact I wrote a song inspired by the title of one of my blogs- “2008 Is To Me Like Rain Is To A Fresh Painting”. It came out sounding kind ///happy-punk/// and I really like it. Maybe the record companies will like it too =). Just Kidding…

“I write songs”

///Clay///

I Am Clayton And I Approve This Message

I find myself struggling to stay positive.

This past week I have made an improvement to the bending of my leg. It was at 35° on the 4th, then this past week I made it to 50°!!! That same day I fell onto my bad leg, which has no muscle strength to support the weight. I came crashing down like crippled old person, my leg buckling under me. It caused intense pain and I screamed bloody murder for at least 5-10 minutes. Ever since that day my femur, where the screw is bolted in, is sore and hurts every time I move my leg. I have lost progress, setting me back to about 40-45°. I can’t wait for the doctor to tell me I can start putting some weight on it again so I can start building that leg strength back. Not sure exactly how that works though….

I just sent in the last bit of information to the Social Security people, for them to review my case. Now I just have to wait 2-4 months for a reply. I also still have to take defensive driving for the ticket from the day of the accident. I believe its due sometime in October, “sigh”. The life-flight people are harassing me as well. They want money, blah blah blah! I just sent them a form with my information on it hoping that they will back off and give me to make money before I pay. I’m just so tired of dealing with all this financial, state, government crap. I need a vacation! Speaking of, I am still going on my honeymoon no matter my condition. A cruise into the Caribbean! I pray that I will be able to walk at least with a cane by then.

“no more paperwork”

///Clay///

2008 is to Me Like Rain is to a Fresh Painting

Times can be tough, and unexpected sometimes… I seem to be facing a lot of those “times” lately.

I find that I wont be leaving the Parental Units Residence anytime soon. After a lot of thought Kathryn and I have decided to take my parents offer and stay with them. I wish I knew how long I would be under their wings, but some things remain uncertain. Our lack of income and the difficult, tedious, process involved with getting disability put us at a disadvantage. I hope to be able to recover quickly find a decent paying job and find a new home for the “New Hamm’s”. If it weren’t for my family I don’t know where I would go. As for my last home, it is unfortunate that I did not get to spend more time with my Asian brother, but it seems my time at the condo has come to an impasse. I just hope now that since I am not around he can still find time to hang out.

My situation just seems to keep bringing up more issues. It has made getting married a difficult task, so my fiance and I have decided to just go to the court house. We still plan to get married on the 1st of November and plan to have a festivity of sorts for my close friends and family to celebrate. Now I just have to let my groomsmen down easy and tell them I wont be needing them anymore… “sigh” I believe that it is for the best and will make the quandary less stressful. None the less I am still very excited about getting married! It will still be the happiest day of my life, handicapped or not.

“sigh”

///Clay///