One One Dash One

One One Dash One Dash Zero Seven

I met a girl who I am just completely infatuated with. We hang out at the Kemah Boardwalk and spend some time looking at the stars on the helipad, nestled at  the top of the parking garage. The sky is blanketed in dark blue, decorated with a thousand little candles. The cars headlights appear over the top of the bridge adjacent to the dancing luminescence upon the waves. A hundred boats fill the dock gently swaying into the night. This is where I asked her to be my girlfriend.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Eight

I struggle to walk out in front of the Church. The glass cane was just too insufficient to hold me. My Pastor gives me support to aid in my inadequate and feeble steps. I begin to realize that my suit is a little cramped as I had gained some weight from the death-defying accident. It was only five months ago that the tragedy happened; just a week after I had proposed. Now here I stand in front of current and soon-to-be family with a gaze of admiration toward that same girl I met only a year ago. She slowly approaches me and for a moment the music and crowd fade away. Such a simple moment of bliss staring into each others eyes. The Pastor begins the ceremony, and brings two individuals into a God crafted unity. This is where I said “I do”.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Nine

Its our one year anniversary today! I take in everything that has happened since we first met. Quite a story if you ask me. We have moved 5 times since then, and we have both gone through multiple jobs. There was the accident, the surgery, the hurricane, the wedding, the financial struggle, and the second surgery. Here I sit with my leg inoperable and encased in an ilizarov.  The self-sufficient, speed walking Clay no longer exists. I find myself bordering on, claiming full dependence upon my wife for my every need. NO job and no strength, Kathryn carries the burden of our livelihood. Its our  anniversary and I offer nothing to the table except my love. The blessing is that LOVE is enough for our happiness to remain constant and true. The pursuit of happiness, a universal goal sought by all and found by few. Even with all physical and financial struggles we remain among the few. ONE ONE DASH ONE, you are the third of the many to come. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“Thank you Lord for blessing me, Amen.”

Lifeless Like A Corpse

It seems that lately my mind has been stuck in some sort of rut. I haven’t had any new insights, or even felt like Ive grown or changed in any way the past month…. The lack of inspiration has caused a lack of thoughts and ideas for writing in my journal. I feel like I have been coasting through this past month on autopilot. Stuck in a mundane routine that is draining the very life-force out of me. I like things being simple, and leading a fairly simple life. Too much complexity would just cause stress and unhappiness in life but it seems that the opposite is true as well. It seems that life has been too simple this past month… So simple that I feel dead. Reluctant to get out of bed and once I am out of bed I dont want to move or do anything. If I didnt know any better I would say that these were symptoms of depression. No… the lack of motivation has seemingly spread. Infecting me like a virus turning the many quiet hours where I sit at home and wait for fellowship from my wife into a poison. a poison that is eating my morale and consuming my energy.

In light of all these things it appears the natural course of life is about to change all that. My non-existent life is being rolled up into a ball and tossed into the flames. I am going from nothing to having a full-time schedule, filled with work and studying of things that make absolutely no sense to me. The mundane routine that has been the center of this void is about to be disfigured and rearranged to create a pattern of change and filled schedules. I pray that this drastic change wont take a toll on me. That this disruption in my current pattern will not be too complex to where life is not enjoyable.

“blank”

///Clay///

Christian Love

Love. The Core of a Christians life. A word that has lost its meaning in the modern world. What makes Christian love different from the rest of the world? The only one who can give the perfect answer would be Christ Himself. For we all are human; filled with error and sin. How many times do Christians abandon Christian LOVE? Too often we mold the Christian life to our design, which ultimately disgraces God. We cant reflect God without showing the love of Christ- THE CHRISTIAN LOVE. I want to look at Love from the view of Jesus.

How can you learn about the Core of a Christian life? The best place to start would be 1 Corinthians 13, aka the Love Chapter. Look at what Love IS. It is patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hoping, preserving, it always rejoices in truth, and it does not keep record of wrong doing. How many people in the world ALWAYS follow at least half of these? The answer is no one. There might be a time where you are following every single one, but how long is it till you slip? Lets break down each one.

Patient

“Patience is a virtue”, the phrase everyone hears growing up. The definition of patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset. The key here is to tolerate without getting angry. People believe because they can compose themselves on the outside (while feeling irritated or angry on the inside) and tolerate someone or something, they are demonstrating patience. Wrong!!! To truly be patient you have to stay composed on the inside as well as the outside. When we are not being patient we tend to break a couple of the other ones. We stop being kind, we attack instead of protect, and we seem to remember all of their other faults right about now. In our lack of patience we tend to be rude and talk down to one another. I know a family, that will go unmentioned, that talks to each other in a belittling and degrading way. The parents and children all disrespect each other, talking as if the other were a stupid and pathetic person. I hate being around them when this is happening but what am I to say? Would they listen or even believe me?

If we can truly regard ourselves as humble servants and that we are to uplift others, then maybe we will be able to be patient in love. Look at how a young girl going through puberty treats a jock she is completely  infatuated with, especially if he is a jerk. She constantly put herself aside and ignore the short comings of this jerk. Why? Because she holds him up on a pedestal (for the wrong reasons). Now obviously she is making a mistake but if the Christian could take the principle behind this and put everyone else above themselves then we would be like Christ.

Kind

Love is kind. The definition of kind is, having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature. To be kind is to be careful not to inconvenience or hurt others. Here we can see clearly the Core problem that keeps us from showing love, and that is Selfishness. Selfishness is what our human nature is built off of. The fall of man was caused by the greed to know all things like God. Greed is just another word for selfishness. Self is what causes sin, and prohibits love. How often are we actually concerned about what inconveniences another person? If we are full heartily seeking God then we should want to help others. Too many times we make self-righteous judgments and look down on one other. This gives us the “I am better than you” complex, leading us to treat people rudely instead of with kindness and compassion. In order to truly be kind in the Christian love, you must extend it to the people outside of your social group. Even the sinners love those who love them. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 5.

Protecting/Preserving

To protect/preserve is to keep safe from harm or injury. It is obvious how you apply this to your close friends and family, but how do you show it to the world? The kingdom of Heaven is available to the whole world if they accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. It is our job to bring the Word of God to the world so that they may be saved. the Word of God is their only defense against sin. Without Christ as their “lawyer” before the Judge, they are doomed to eternal damnation. In exhibiting Christian Love we should have the desire to protect them from their chosen destination. Once again in our self-righteous judgment we see them unworthy of Gods gift. How dare we condemn the blind to walk off the cliff. Shall we call ourselves murderers? Let us extend our hands out to the lost; show them the door Jesus is knocking on. If they refuse then they have made their decision, but should we stop praying for them? Never! Let us preserve the Word of God in our hearts so the we may be mirrors reflecting the light of Christ.

Trusting/Hoping

To trust is to believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Trust and hope are apart of faith. It means believing the best of it all. When we pray to God and it feels like there was no answer to our prayer we are to trust that he knows whats best. We need to let Him do His will and just have faith. No matter the circumstance we should have a positive outlook and know that all things happen for a reason and hope for the best. When we look out at the world the same still applies. This doesnt mean believe every little lie that is told to you because you are to assume the best. Rather, take each person and situation and look at it from the most positive perspective. Someone treats you like garbage- Should you judge this person as rude? No you should believe that they must of had a bad day and you happened to be there to see it. We shouldnt judge based on things we think or see, but only on those things that we know are facts.

It always rejoices in truth/ It does not keep record of wrong

These two are self explanatory… Yet we tend to get mad at truth when it is correcting us, like the pharisees being corrected by Jesus. Here is where pride comes into play.  Having pride is being pleased with yourself, dwelling on your achievements, thinking about you, you, you, you… And we are right back at selfishness. It is truly our self-seeking ways that keep us from unconditional love.

We also tend to keep a detailed record book, for each individual person we know, that is kept in the bitterness file cabinet. When someone does something that makes us angry and we hold on to it, that becomes bitterness. The Bible says not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. If we hold on to it we are making a record of it and we file it away in bitterness. The cabinet needs to be locked up and the key needs to be thrown away. There is nothing in that cabinet except self-gratification. Theres that word again, SELF.

Self has got to GO

The Bible talks about in Romans 14 that we should be able make adjustments about our life not because its sinful but for the love and respect of our brothers. This can never be achieved if we put ourselves at the center. It was true when they said the nice guy finishes last. To live like Christ we must put ourselves last. Oh how beautiful it would be if all Christians lived fully devoted to God, with self placed on the shelf.

“Love’s Achilles Heel is Selfishness”

///Clay///

Donuts- A Gift From God

Last Sunday I got out of bed 20 minutes before I was supposed to be at Church. I threw myself together and hit the door. On the drive there my stomach began to complain about the lack of attention it got. I  thought to myself oh this was a bad idea, I should of grabbed a banana or something!! We arrive one minute before Sunday School is scheduled to start(not that it ever starts on time). As we sit in the classroom I begin to pray quietly, “Lord, please don’t let this hunger distract me from you today”. Just as I finish praying the Assistant Pastor from another class walks into the room with a box of donuts and says, “Anybody want some donuts? We had one box too many”.

Now the Lord gave me something to eat to calm my stomach and let me listen to the message. I asked and recieved in the name of Jesus, but look at that a little more closely! I didn’t pray a selfish prayer, I didnt even asked to be fed. Instead I asked that He wont let me be distracted. My prayer wasn’t about me but rather about respect for God’s Word. I wanted to be able to recieve his Word.  My heart was right when I made the prayer and He rewarded me with His blessing (which happen to be donuts). This should be applied to every prayer that we make. Our heart should be seeking Him, not some personal hidden agenda, or self gain.

“Prayer Works”

///Clay///

To Live Like Jesus

I find that if your not constantly thinking about Christ throughout the day, it is very easy to sin. Recently my mind has been ever focused on the things of God and I notice a lot of things that I have to watch out for.

>It starts with your mood when you wake up in the morning, immediately you must consider how your mood is going to affect your decisions, so I start by singing a song to God or by praying.(Lately that song has been Hands And Feet, by Audio Adrenaline) Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

>You constantly have to keep watch on what thoughts flood your mind. Which also means you need to control what you allow yourself to hear and see. Mostly music and television… I find the best cure is not to listen to any secular music or watch any tv. I do however have one show a week I watch and I love to go see movies. Also thoughts can contribute to actions, if you control your thoughts this should keep you from reaching in the “cookie jar”. Hebrews 4:12 For the Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

> Being selfish is a big one! Interaction with the people around you can cause selfishness. You should always be there with love and respect to those around you, even your enemies. Love is a big part of this. The definition of the phrase “for love” for pleasure not profit. If you focus on the fact that you love “insert person here”, whether they are your friend or not it should please you to do things for them. It pleases me to make you happy because I love you. Philipians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

> Pride… It is hard to keep yourself in a position of humility. It is a good practice to constantly remind yourself that you are here as a servant of the Lord, Ambassadors from Heaven. We are here to promote all things Holy. Pride also keeps others from helping you when you make mistakes and need correction. Proverbs 10:17 He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads other astray.

>In the constant flow of life it is easy to forget to pray. Prayer is essential to our relationship with God. Instead of thinking things to yourself through the day direct those thoughts to God, which by proxy will help control thoughts you shouldn’t have. This action keeps you in constant contact with God helping you develop righteous habits. I Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful; pray continually

> What you condone. If those that are close to you tell you things not of God and you don’t do anything about it, you are in a sense condoning their actions against God. Titus 2:1 You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine.

“Taking up the cross daily”

///Clay///

Fellowship Of The Narrow Path

Just the other day I had asked a friend how was his life with God, and replied that it wasn’t where it should be. He told me that he tries to straighten up, but cant stay focused and ends right back where he was. This is the simile he used; “Its like having your car stuck in a hole, You gain momentum and start getting out then it just starts to slide right back in”. I heard this and had to think about it. MY RESPONSE- What do you do when your car gets stuck in a ditch? You call a tow truck to pull you out!

I told him that I as a fellow believer could be his “tow truck”; the friend who is there to help make sure you don’t fall. Every time there is a struggle you turn to your brother until you regain your footing. You see this is my perception of what a church is. A group of people who all make mistakes, who are all there to help keep each other right in God’s eyes.  A church can’t reach out to the lost until they have reached to all of their own first. Once all of the Church becomes a community, they can begin to work together to fulfill God’s purpose. One little candle isn’t enough to light a whole house, but if you get 5 or 6 working together the house WILL be lit.

“one little candle”

///Clay///

Defining2008/ For Better Or For Worse

///2008///

I must say that this has been the most eventful year of my life. I have had my Best and Worst experiences this year. I will make top ten of each just for fun.

WORST

10. On the day of my accident I had to go to training… we had a two minute survival drill. I had to fight off two Beastly guys, and well lets say they left me with quite a headache. They kicked my butt

9. After my accident I filled out and dealt with all types of paperwork for Social Security but still didn’t get approved… jerks

8. Over the course of the year I had gotten 6 traffic violation tickets… hee hee oops. I can’t even remember what they were for

7. My stupid and selfish self decided that I wanted a cool bike so I sold my only car for it. The Mustang GT… Oh well things happen for a reason and I would not be where I am now if I hadn’t

6. Because of obvious circumstances I lost my home with my brother Daniel… had to move back with my parents for the third time

5. Plain and simple…. Osama won the election, oops I mean OBAMA

4. This one is a biggie for me personally… I gained twenty pounds of FAT all in my stomach. YEP I have a gut

3. I lost my job at NASA… they didnt care

2. IKE hit the coast… It took my family’s home, my backup car, my other motorcycle, and thousands of dollars worth of other belongings of mine.

1. NUMBER ONE!!! the most obvious of all, the motorcycle accident which has left me starting the new year crippled.

BEST-

10. I started a cool collection of canes. My two favorite would have to be the glass one and the one with flames

9. I have gotten a better relationship with my in-laws through everything that has happened.

8. I got a computer, a MAC to be more precise. I love it I have spent a lot of time making fun music

7. When I worked for the mall I got promoted to a Supervisor =) That is really good for a resume

6. Even though there a bunch of “little” things that could be fixed, I got a really cool car 1987 Camaro IROC-Z. It has a nice big 350 V8 engine… “Manly Chuckles” >=D

5. Through one of my Wife’s friends we were led to a home Church.

4. Through all the things in my life especially this year I had all my closest friends there for me whenever I needed them. Except when I lived with Daniel, he was never home. HA!

3. God blessed me greatly! I had almost $80,000 in medical bills and God took it all away! I owe nothing. Thank you Jesus =D

2. I went on my first cruise! It was for my honeymoon, and we had a blast! YAY I love boats!!!

1. The Number ONE best thing that has happened for 2008, is that I got to make my best friend and the love of my life, MY WIFE. I can’t be without her

“A roller-coaster year”

///Clay///

The Place Where Domestic Affections Are Centered

///I SEE 911///

Its about two weeks before Hurricane IKE

makes its devastating landfall

I am just spending plenty of time at home not concerned with anything but my progress to recovery. I notice a strange reoccurring event. Every night I look at the clock at exactly 9:11pm. The first three times didn’t phase me but by the fourth night it began to feel unusual. I continued to see the clock at exactly 9:11 everyday up through September 10th.

9/11/08- I wake up that morning quite early to check out the news on the storm. We realize that we have no choice but to evacuate. My family makes the move to stay with my Moms family in Odessa and Kathryn and I will be in Pasadena with her family. We pack the needed items, mostly clothes and important documents, etc, and head out.

9/12/08- We all gather in front of the TV and watch IKE lurk in the gulf. The storm hits and the electricity is exterminated.

9/14/08- I can’t take the anxiety of not knowing whats happened to my home. Kathryn and I make are way to my family’s home. Once we arrive we immediately notice the water line on the door… water had made it in the house. I struggle to get up the damaged front steps and open the front door. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The house was filled with warm rancid smell of fish and rotting food, and sludgy mud blanketing the floor. My insides turned sour as I peered into the house. Unable to enter the slippery floors with my broken leg, Kathryn ventured in alone to take pictures of the damage. The floors were bubbled and warped, and the walls were soaked in salt water. The majority of our belongings were left in ruins.

No matter how hard I fought it, I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I began to weep and broke down. The home I spent the major part of my  life in, was desecrated by infamous Ike. The warmth and love that filled that house had vacated, leaving me feeling empty and dark. It’s not the material that leaves a lump in my throat but rather the “place”. – The place I could always come to. The place that was my refuge. The place where the people that meant the most to me resided, whether they knew it or not…. Looking at the pictures and videos of that house when it was full of life cut me deep. I cried myself to sleep. It is now the 15th, and I awake with tears in my eyes.

“absent, gone, lacking, lost, misplaced, omitted, wanting”

…///Clay///

2008 is to Me Like Rain is to a Fresh Painting

Times can be tough, and unexpected sometimes… I seem to be facing a lot of those “times” lately.

I find that I wont be leaving the Parental Units Residence anytime soon. After a lot of thought Kathryn and I have decided to take my parents offer and stay with them. I wish I knew how long I would be under their wings, but some things remain uncertain. Our lack of income and the difficult, tedious, process involved with getting disability put us at a disadvantage. I hope to be able to recover quickly find a decent paying job and find a new home for the “New Hamm’s”. If it weren’t for my family I don’t know where I would go. As for my last home, it is unfortunate that I did not get to spend more time with my Asian brother, but it seems my time at the condo has come to an impasse. I just hope now that since I am not around he can still find time to hang out.

My situation just seems to keep bringing up more issues. It has made getting married a difficult task, so my fiance and I have decided to just go to the court house. We still plan to get married on the 1st of November and plan to have a festivity of sorts for my close friends and family to celebrate. Now I just have to let my groomsmen down easy and tell them I wont be needing them anymore… “sigh” I believe that it is for the best and will make the quandary less stressful. None the less I am still very excited about getting married! It will still be the happiest day of my life, handicapped or not.

“sigh”

///Clay///

Whispers Among The Noise

My fiance and I have been reading Max Lucado books since my accident, thanks to Pastor/Worship Leader Kenneth. Pastor Kenneth had brought me a Max Lucado book as a gift while I was still in the hospital, and that was the match to the gasoline. We are now on our second book and the last chapter we read gave me clear view to my own situation. Mr.Lucado made mention about when the disciples were on the boat in the storm and Jesus came walking on the water. He states that the disciples were expecting some great miracle, and since Jesus came in a way they didn’t expect; they almost missed the answer to their prayers.

I personally get two strong messages out of that chapter for my accident. The first being, is that I’ve been asking God to help pull me away from my struggles. “Show me a way to the narrow path”, I would exclaim. I really wanted something BIG to steer me back in the right direction. Well as horrible as the accident was, this was the “change” I’ve been asking for, and if it wasn’t for my family and church I probably would have almost missed it myself. Secondly, I realized that God doesn’t always work the way you want Him to. You look for Him to reach out His hand and tell the ocean to calm, or the storm to cease. If you can let go of your standards and look beyond your own perception. You might be able to see how he quietly approaches you in the midst of the storm. If I were to have looked for God by my standards I would have been saying at the time of the accident, “Okay God you can stop time now and sit me gently on the ground, or at least throw some pillows in my path for a soft landing”. No, He came to me in the middle of all the chaos. During the painful surgeries, and Hospital bills. I have had many blessings, from my Lord, through this accident. It’s a miracle from God that I’m even alive. Upon the darkest hours, His blessings are there. The candles are lit if you look for them.

“I can walk on water with Him”

///Clay///

Climbing Mountains with the Handicapped

It seems God has prompted me for some moderation. Within the last week I have had a $64,000 debt to the hospital erased with the help of a “charity balance”. I made another visit to the hospital and was told the news of signs of bone growth. Then I had been outfitted with a new leg brace with a hinge, and have started the very painful process of trying to get my leg to bend again. Also my parents have gone on their trip to Maine and gave me the master bedroom for the time being. Last but definitely not least, my Fiance and I are starting to turn our focus on wedding plans.

It seems that for the wedding, most of the preparations will be done by Kathryn and I alone. It will be difficult to find ways to pay for it all but we can be self efficient and will do it. Help is always appreciated but the ones who offered to help from Kat’s side of the family have backed out, and put us back to the drawing board. Times continue to grow stressful but I remain vigilant with my love at my side.

My life is far from perfect, but none the less with all circumstances in front of me somehow I’ve found this peace that God is controlling it all. Probably the best part about living a simple life, is the fact that when God wants to make a change we are open to it. There are no plans that will hinder God’s will. I don’t know what to expect from the next day but I have a faith that keeps me happy with where I am, and where I am going.

“I can do all things through Christ”

///Clay///

Look Up In The Sky!

It’s a bird, it’s a plane! No it’s my wife to be! Many times since my accident Kathryn has told me that she wants to be “Superwoman”! She has been my greatest caretaker, and there is nothing I could do that would show her how thankful I am. She has stayed by my side every night since the wreck, sleeping in the uncomfortable chair next to my hospital bed, answering my every cry throughout the night. This has tested her commitment to me and the end result is the act of true love. I just hope everyone realizes that I would do the same for her. I love the ambition of my significant other, but no matter how bad she wants it she can’t do it all. She may never be able to fly or be in all places at once, but she will always be my superwoman in my heart.

“Actions speak louder than words”

///Clay///

Return to the Flock

It’s been pretty quiet since I’ve left the hospital. My parents have taken me into their care, allowing me to stay in Olivia’s room. They all have been supportive and are there when I call, but for a good portion of the day I just sit and stare at the walls. The low hum of the fan, the slight shuffle of the posters(hundreds of boy band poses) on the wall, the sound of running water in the fish tank. It’s the chorus to my insanity. I used the love of those around me to keep my cool. The stress of my situation, broken leg, loss of job etc, had slowly decayed my morale.

Throughout this process something had changed in the air. I felt something new in my being. The presence of God had become prominent. At this moment the very fibers of my thought process were being rewritten. He was molding my heart with His hands. I felt His desire flowing through my veins. I Became one of God’s children back when I was twelve and its been a crazy roller coaster against the spirit and the flesh. My Shepherd knew that I have been the habitual wanderer. He had to break my leg to keep me from getting to far out of reach.

The sheep is carried by the shepherd until the leg is healed creating a stronger bond. Once the sheep is released, it will stay right by the shepherds side. I can feel that bond in my soul. I have become a little more selfless with each passing moment. I no longer find the need to indulge in materialistic things. I don’t need the fast cars, expensive clothes, or top of the line electronics. I want to help others like never before. I pray more frequently and have had a more serene state of mind. I know that even though my world has been turned upside down, Jesus is carrying me. He has taken my load, it is no longer mine to worry about.

“On the shoulders of the Shepherd”

///Clay///

The First Paycheck

I have finished all my new hire training for NASA and have been on my own for a week now. I still really don’t know the job that well but I am in the process. I am now hoping to get a full time position as soon as possible. Part timers are only aloud to work 31hrs a week. Lucky for me I am filling in for a full timer and am getting 40hrs for the next two weeks! The only downside is the fact its the overnight shift. What makes it worse is its the same week Kathryn is moving in. Hopefully when I get a full time position it won’t the overnight shift.

I’m very excited that Kathryn will be moving in with me. I know that I want to be with her forever, and we are slowly working toward that. Kathryn’s father was kind enough to give us a dresser for us to put a lot of Kathryn things in. It was kind of out of date looking but I went out and bought new knobs for it and it looks ten times nicer. I am happy with the way things are going.

“Together through the end”

///Clay///

Welcome to the Family

Kathryn and I recently made the decision to join a church in the Pasadena area. The church name is Parkgate, and is on Preston. Its funny before we tried that church I always had this weird need to take Preston to get to Spencer or anything else on that side of town. Then Kathryn happened to make a new friend at her temporary job she had and finds out that she attends Parkgate. Of course this new friend invites us to go, and of course we accept the invitation. We get there and I could really feel something I hadn’t felt in forever, though I can’t describe it. The people were also very friendly and make you feel right at home. I feel that this is the direction God is pulling me in so I will follow.

“Home sweet home”

///Clay///