Making Holes in my Jeans, Falling to my Knees
I have a desire to find something I’ve lost in myself, and yet I find it a little uncomfortable at the same time. I have lost sight of the true meaning of this life and the gift of eternal life afterwards. I feel the loss of need for God not only in myself but also in my closest friends. The worst part about it is not that I have lost sight of it, but that it took the wrong decisions of my friends to realize that I have gotten to this point. I want to get back to that place I was in my heart when church meant something to me. When the Word was spoken and I could feel the meaning of the Word in my very being, not just comprehending the book knowledge. I am in search of a home church, but I feel so uncomfortable with everything church related. Maybe it’s my conviction that I am feeling, or maybe it’s the false feeling placed upon me to keep me away from God. None the less I wont let it stop me.
I prayed for the first time this past week in like a year or more. I felt so disconnected from it all. So now I truly want to come back to the heart of worship. I really want my friends to want it as bad as I do, or at least realize how far off the path they’ve wandered. Until I find myself back in the right place myself, I can’t say anything to them. It’s even more upsetting to me that I can’t give reasons to the things that I do know. I’m not sure if I am just bad at explaining my thoughts, or if it’s just the fact that I have become blinded to the meaning of things myself. People will never fully understand another person because they will never know what they are thinking. Therefore people make judgements about people at face value. I don’t want people to look at me in this way; causing rumors and aggression. I want to share all that I feel and know. I want people to want to talk to me about their life struggles, and deep issues. I just need help finding the right words.
“The world has lost it’s judgement on whats right and whats wrong”