A disciples journey

Emotion

More Than Just Me

Change

As much as I dislike change it is always in effect. Nothing stays same and I am constantly growing as a result. There has been so much change in my life the past three years that it would take SIX years to talk about it all. God has matured me greatly in these growing  pains I have experienced, all while having a more intimate relationship with Him. For instance I have always been the person who hated reading and yet God has place a desire in me to read His Word and focus more on Him than myself. I was extremely prideful and have had many humbling experiences weeding out my arrogance and short temper. I could go on forever… Still, in all things I am still human and make mistakes. I pray by the mercy of God that I am not remembered for my mistakes and shortcomings but rather how I strive to be the reflection of Christ as all Christians are called to be.

Selfishness…

I know I am a very particular person who has very strong point of views and can easily be very over dramatic about my views and my way. These strong opinions have interwoven with my selfishness which create a disconnected and negative attitude. It is my OCD to voice my opposition to subjects very sternly and I know that is a wrong attitude… In this past year I have been more aware of what I am doing after I have done it and I pray that God helps me to change that habit. There is that word again, CHANGE! I have a little childhood story that reflects my OCD- When I was little I got a bicycle as a present from my parents and instead of being grateful I was unhappy and rude voicing that I didnt want it because it was not wrapped in a box… I made a big deal about nothing all because a gift was not done the way I thought it should of been done. I want to apologize to all that I have forced my sharp opinions on. I realize that everyone does not have to see things my way and that I can share my opinion without making it as if it were law. I apologize to my wife for shooting down her hobbies, to my parents for taking away the joy in things they enjoy, and to my friends for rejecting their ideas. I know that things are not about me and I need to put away my selfishness. Selfishness is and always will be an issue for mankind but with God little by little He can remove all our sinful ways and mold us into servants.  Philippians 2:3-5 “Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”

Constant Growing

Life is full of trials and temptations that we must face but every time we stay steadfast we will grow stronger and closer to God. It is very easy to become comfortable with where God has you and think that you are “ok” but the way I see it is if you are not growing you are backsliding. I have found myself in a comfortable stage with God since my accident and I prayed that he would help me to mature in Christ and two major events occurred. #1 We are having a baby! WOW… That was not what I had in mind, but God knows best and already I have seen several changes to my view of children and to my attitude in general. To be completely honest I have never really liked kids and often found them to be annoying, but now all that has changed. God has been growing me so that I may be a good Godly father to my son, Corbin, which has indirectly affected the person that I am today. #2 Joining the worship team! I have always had a love for music but my introverted ways have led me away. God is really pushing me out of my comfort zone by adding me to my Church’s worship team and placing me on stage in front of everyone. Standing on that stage is helping me to grow so that I may be a better witness for Christ and use my life as a tool to help others. I thank God for all the work he has been doing in me and pray that he continually pushes my limits, increasing my life as a follower of Christ.

“Thank you Lord for all these things that I have not deserved”

///Clay///


The Hammster Family

Monday, September 20, 2010

Today was the first time I saw my little baby. Kathryn and I arrive at the doctor’s office for our ultrasound excited to see how much it had grown. They place the device on her stomach and suddenly on the screen you see this little person, AKA Baby Hammster. At this point it is too early to tell what gender it is but it was incredible just to see his/her little nose and mouth with tiny little toes and fingers on it’s arms and legs. Soon this image of our little baby became mobile as it tossed and turned from side to side. It was at that exact moment of seeing him/her move its twig-like arms around that I fell in love with the little one, although I didn’t know what I was feeling at the time. For the first time the baby became real to me. I was rendered speechless by this growing individual and just watched in shock. When the ultrasound was done I wanted to ask the nurse to keep going for a little longer so I could keep looking at my little precious. The nurse printed out three pictures and I just stared at the little face in awe.

The reality of the pregnancy began to settle into my mind creating a wave of emotions that overflowed and overwhelmed me. I brought this little life into the world.  I help create him/her, and it was apart of me. I have never experienced such overwhelming joy in my entire life, knowing that my wife and I have a child of our own on its way! Once night came, I laid in bed talking to Kathryn as the happiness overcame me swelling up in my heart and I broke into tears. I couldn’t help but bawl over the thought of holding my little child. The baby is only three months along but yet I want to hold it in my arms already. I cannot wait till the day I get to see Baby Hammster’s little face. I would have never imagined that I would be ready for a baby but God knew I was ready and I could not be happier. Tears still streaming down my face, I leaned down to Kathryn’s belly and whispered, “I can’t wait to meet you”.

I am still blown away by how much love I have surging through me for someone I haven’t even met. The baby is not even born and I have already begun to understand the indescribable feeling of being a parent. For the first time I believe I can fathom how my parents see me as their son, and it is an amazing experience. This little one has the utmost importance to me as I realize that this is just the beginning of a whole new world and I am excited/frightened to start this new adventure.

Daddy Hammster

///Clay///


Walk by Faith Not By Sight

“Being a Christian in todays society is hard….” I think about that phrase and how when I was a teenager I was taught that in Sunday School. I remember the guidance they would give on how to be right with God saying, “being a TEEN Christian is hard with all the peer pressure, facing trials with sex and drugs, having both easily attainable in school or on your street…”

Being a Christian in todays society is hard… Ive been thinking about that statement lately and asking myself why is it so hard?  How is it that being a Christian these trials are not any easier? Maybe it is not supposed to be hard. Maybe the problem is with us and how we view Christianity… I thought about it for a little while and then God gave me a simple insight on why we struggle so much and how we could fix it. But before I get into that I heard something intriguing in church which was relative to the matter.

The pastor was reading from Matthew 11 and it said, 28“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Wait a minute!? “My yoke is easy”? Being a teenager I thought it was hard. I thought the burden was heavy? It seems we are having a Starburst contradiction!!! Really? Your burden is light? Where have we gone wrong? It goes back to my last blog, where we have to be like children and trust in Him. Remember back to when you were a child. Did you have any real concerns? Were you worried that you wouldn’t have food to eat or a bed to sleep in? No… Why? You knew your parents would do everything they could to take care of you. You TRUSTED them. There was no burden.

Lets go back to my simple insight. Why do we struggle so much? Why is it hard to do what God wants and let Him work in our life? I feel that we have grown too accustomed to being selfish. Filling our lives with junk and useless material things. We are so preoccupied with all the little pointless things in life. Electronics, movies, clothes… we spend more and more on ourselves.

In the movie “Book Of Eli”, the main character says that the main thing he learned from the Bible was “To do more for others than you do for yourself”. That is the number one thing he got from it? How many of us actually do MORE for others than ourselves? I know I havent… So how do we fix this? Well What would Jesus do? HE WAS A SERVANT!

I believe that if our heart is right with God, then all we need to do is spend more time serving others and spend less time indulging in things for ourselves. It’s that simple. If we used our time more wisely and became a servant like Christ all of our little petty struggles would no longer be relevant and we could delight in His good pleasure. When we start to make more money we shouldn’t spend more, we should use those extra resources to help those in need. I know in the American dream that what I am saying is crazy but its how God instructs us to live. The Book Of Eli, a secular movie even knows that we are supposed to do more for others than for ourselves. No wonder Christians have a bad reputation. What I am saying may not be popular but it is the truth and the truth needs to be spoken.

“”Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”Mat 28”

///Clay///


One One Dash One

One One Dash One Dash Zero Seven

I met a girl who I am just completely infatuated with. We hang out at the Kemah Boardwalk and spend some time looking at the stars on the helipad, nestled at  the top of the parking garage. The sky is blanketed in dark blue, decorated with a thousand little candles. The cars headlights appear over the top of the bridge adjacent to the dancing luminescence upon the waves. A hundred boats fill the dock gently swaying into the night. This is where I asked her to be my girlfriend.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Eight

I struggle to walk out in front of the Church. The glass cane was just too insufficient to hold me. My Pastor gives me support to aid in my inadequate and feeble steps. I begin to realize that my suit is a little cramped as I had gained some weight from the death-defying accident. It was only five months ago that the tragedy happened; just a week after I had proposed. Now here I stand in front of current and soon-to-be family with a gaze of admiration toward that same girl I met only a year ago. She slowly approaches me and for a moment the music and crowd fade away. Such a simple moment of bliss staring into each others eyes. The Pastor begins the ceremony, and brings two individuals into a God crafted unity. This is where I said “I do”.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Nine

Its our one year anniversary today! I take in everything that has happened since we first met. Quite a story if you ask me. We have moved 5 times since then, and we have both gone through multiple jobs. There was the accident, the surgery, the hurricane, the wedding, the financial struggle, and the second surgery. Here I sit with my leg inoperable and encased in an ilizarov.  The self-sufficient, speed walking Clay no longer exists. I find myself bordering on, claiming full dependence upon my wife for my every need. NO job and no strength, Kathryn carries the burden of our livelihood. Its our  anniversary and I offer nothing to the table except my love. The blessing is that LOVE is enough for our happiness to remain constant and true. The pursuit of happiness, a universal goal sought by all and found by few. Even with all physical and financial struggles we remain among the few. ONE ONE DASH ONE, you are the third of the many to come. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“Thank you Lord for blessing me, Amen.”


My Halo

I think back to over a year ago, and I remember one day so clearly. The day that has been branded “the worst day of my life”. That “worst day” has had a tremendous impact on my life. It has governed every decision Ive made since then. The effects of that “worst day” still linger like a sour taste in my mouth. So many little choices lead up to that day. A lot of little choices that would be considered irrelevant to the course. A handful of minuscule unplanned events that lead to that exact spot, on June 6th 2008. Where my father had left at the right time which would put him passing me at the exact moment the car in front of me hit the brakes. There are so many little details which laid the course of that day. (just for the record I do not blame my father for what happened that day)

Now, exactly one year and four months later, October 6th, 2009, I will be undergoing a second surgery. It will be an attempt to salvage my leg, and give me the ability to walk again. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work any better than the first but it is my best option. Here is the doctors plan- The gap in the original break (which is about three inches) is too great and from the trauma will not heal on its own. The goal is to shrink the gap and compress the two broken ends together. I have to create three fresh inches of bone.

First he will remove the metal plates and screws that are currently in my leg. Then he will run a metal rod through the center of my bone. He will break my femur up high to make the bridging site. The middle piece which is now separated at the top and bottom will continue to heal at the top as it is slowly slid down the metal rod. It will continue to “lengthen” until the two ends reach creating the docking site. In order to adjust the middle piece I will be outfitted with an external fixator aka, a halo. I am to wear the halo until the two ends reach each other. More than likely, once my leg is healed my knee will no longer bend so I will then have to undergo knee surgery… The doctor said it could be two more years from now before I can walk normal again.

Halo

– External Fixator “halo”

///Clay///


I Hate Baseball And Its Curve-Ball

Its been a while since I’ve made my last entry… Life seemed to become a little more “normal” filled with errands, work, and school. We even played with the idea of buying a house. I felt like that even though I wasn’t 100 percent physically, I was living my life like I used to (just slightly more busy). Once again life throws a curve-ball at me. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan.

I am reaching the end of my summer school classes and have already registered for Fall classes. Five to be exact. That’s a lot of classes, but luckily for me right at the same time I will be getting laid off from work. That way I can focus directly on school. It seems as though the tough times the country is facing has reached me in my job. Yet it all seemed to be working out. Kathryn works and makes enough to support both of us while I finish school.

Another up-side is the fact that now Kathryn has insurance so I can move forward with my “bum” leg. In fact I had my first doctor visit today through Dr. Vander-something… I’ll just call him Dr.Van. Dr.Van was one of the doctors recommended to me by my friend Daniel. Dr.Van did some X-rays and gave me his diagnosis. HERE’S WHERE THE CURVE-BALL COMES IN. It turns out my leg is worse off than I thought. The rundown is my femur bone is all funky and has not been growing so I need a bone graft(I expected that) and my alignment of the plate and my knee are slightly off. Off by a mere 6 degrees causing a slight bowed leg. This is damaging my knee and will cause severe arthritis on one side. Dr.Van is sending me to see a doctor in Houston who he says is one of the best to deal with my “delicate” disaster. Dr.Van says I have two options. I can take the long safe route, or the shorter and less predictable route. The long route is to have the obvious bone graft, and have the metal removed from my leg so it can be realigned and then install an external fixator. The shorter path is to have the afore said bone graft, and a repeat of my original surgery. Go in remove the metal, realign everything and put in new metal plates and screws. Either way I have to have extensive surgery with another lovely week stay in the hospital. Its the anti-vacation resort.

Now lets step back and take a look at the full spectrum of this proceeding. All the goals I have been setting up are now being altered or postponed. As far as my normality goes, its being sent back to square one. Then theres school… I have to go and explain that I have to drop my classes so I can have surgery (hoping that I can still finish under the same parameters I originally set up). House hunting, well you can just forget that. Even though we have insurance its still gonna take bite out of our money. One thing I have learned about planning is that, “the only thing that you can rely on in life to not change is the fact that everything will change”. Your mindset will change, plans will change, the course you follow will change. This rearrangement scares me. I am afraid of the pain I have to endure for the second time. The nightmare of my past comes alive to haunt me once more.

“Everything Changes”


Lifeless Like A Corpse

It seems that lately my mind has been stuck in some sort of rut. I haven’t had any new insights, or even felt like Ive grown or changed in any way the past month…. The lack of inspiration has caused a lack of thoughts and ideas for writing in my journal. I feel like I have been coasting through this past month on autopilot. Stuck in a mundane routine that is draining the very life-force out of me. I like things being simple, and leading a fairly simple life. Too much complexity would just cause stress and unhappiness in life but it seems that the opposite is true as well. It seems that life has been too simple this past month… So simple that I feel dead. Reluctant to get out of bed and once I am out of bed I dont want to move or do anything. If I didnt know any better I would say that these were symptoms of depression. No… the lack of motivation has seemingly spread. Infecting me like a virus turning the many quiet hours where I sit at home and wait for fellowship from my wife into a poison. a poison that is eating my morale and consuming my energy.

In light of all these things it appears the natural course of life is about to change all that. My non-existent life is being rolled up into a ball and tossed into the flames. I am going from nothing to having a full-time schedule, filled with work and studying of things that make absolutely no sense to me. The mundane routine that has been the center of this void is about to be disfigured and rearranged to create a pattern of change and filled schedules. I pray that this drastic change wont take a toll on me. That this disruption in my current pattern will not be too complex to where life is not enjoyable.

“blank”

///Clay///