As much as I dislike change it is always in effect. Nothing stays same and I am constantly growing as a result. There has been so much change in my life the past three years that it would take SIX years to talk about it all. God has matured me greatly in these growing pains I have experienced, all while having a more intimate relationship with Him. For instance I have always been the person who hated reading and yet God has place a desire in me to read His Word and focus more on Him than myself. I was extremely prideful and have had many humbling experiences weeding out my arrogance and short temper. I could go on forever… Still, in all things I am still human and make mistakes. I pray by the mercy of God that I am not remembered for my mistakes and shortcomings but rather how I strive to be the reflection of Christ as all Christians are called to be.
I know I am a very particular person who has very strong point of views and can easily be very over dramatic about my views and my way. These strong opinions have interwoven with my selfishness which create a disconnected and negative attitude. It is my OCD to voice my opposition to subjects very sternly and I know that is a wrong attitude… In this past year I have been more aware of what I am doing after I have done it and I pray that God helps me to change that habit. There is that word again, CHANGE! I have a little childhood story that reflects my OCD- When I was little I got a bicycle as a present from my parents and instead of being grateful I was unhappy and rude voicing that I didnt want it because it was not wrapped in a box… I made a big deal about nothing all because a gift was not done the way I thought it should of been done. I want to apologize to all that I have forced my sharp opinions on. I realize that everyone does not have to see things my way and that I can share my opinion without making it as if it were law. I apologize to my wife for shooting down her hobbies, to my parents for taking away the joy in things they enjoy, and to my friends for rejecting their ideas. I know that things are not about me and I need to put away my selfishness. Selfishness is and always will be an issue for mankind but with God little by little He can remove all our sinful ways and mold us into servants. Philippians 2:3-5 “Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”
Life is full of trials and temptations that we must face but every time we stay steadfast we will grow stronger and closer to God. It is very easy to become comfortable with where God has you and think that you are “ok” but the way I see it is if you are not growing you are backsliding. I have found myself in a comfortable stage with God since my accident and I prayed that he would help me to mature in Christ and two major events occurred. #1 We are having a baby! WOW… That was not what I had in mind, but God knows best and already I have seen several changes to my view of children and to my attitude in general. To be completely honest I have never really liked kids and often found them to be annoying, but now all that has changed. God has been growing me so that I may be a good Godly father to my son, Corbin, which has indirectly affected the person that I am today. #2 Joining the worship team! I have always had a love for music but my introverted ways have led me away. God is really pushing me out of my comfort zone by adding me to my Church’s worship team and placing me on stage in front of everyone. Standing on that stage is helping me to grow so that I may be a better witness for Christ and use my life as a tool to help others. I thank God for all the work he has been doing in me and pray that he continually pushes my limits, increasing my life as a follower of Christ.
“Thank you Lord for all these things that I have not deserved”
Monday, September 20, 2010
Today was the first time I saw my little baby. Kathryn and I arrive at the doctor’s office for our ultrasound excited to see how much it had grown. They place the device on her stomach and suddenly on the screen you see this little person, AKA Baby Hammster. At this point it is too early to tell what gender it is but it was incredible just to see his/her little nose and mouth with tiny little toes and fingers on it’s arms and legs. Soon this image of our little baby became mobile as it tossed and turned from side to side. It was at that exact moment of seeing him/her move its twig-like arms around that I fell in love with the little one, although I didn’t know what I was feeling at the time. For the first time the baby became real to me. I was rendered speechless by this growing individual and just watched in shock. When the ultrasound was done I wanted to ask the nurse to keep going for a little longer so I could keep looking at my little precious. The nurse printed out three pictures and I just stared at the little face in awe.
The reality of the pregnancy began to settle into my mind creating a wave of emotions that overflowed and overwhelmed me. I brought this little life into the world. I help create him/her, and it was apart of me. I have never experienced such overwhelming joy in my entire life, knowing that my wife and I have a child of our own on its way! Once night came, I laid in bed talking to Kathryn as the happiness overcame me swelling up in my heart and I broke into tears. I couldn’t help but bawl over the thought of holding my little child. The baby is only three months along but yet I want to hold it in my arms already. I cannot wait till the day I get to see Baby Hammster’s little face. I would have never imagined that I would be ready for a baby but God knew I was ready and I could not be happier. Tears still streaming down my face, I leaned down to Kathryn’s belly and whispered, “I can’t wait to meet you”.
I am still blown away by how much love I have surging through me for someone I haven’t even met. The baby is not even born and I have already begun to understand the indescribable feeling of being a parent. For the first time I believe I can fathom how my parents see me as their son, and it is an amazing experience. This little one has the utmost importance to me as I realize that this is just the beginning of a whole new world and I am excited/frightened to start this new adventure.
“Being a Christian in todays society is hard….” I think about that phrase and how when I was a teenager I was taught that in Sunday School. I remember the guidance they would give on how to be right with God saying, “being a TEEN Christian is hard with all the peer pressure, facing trials with sex and drugs, having both easily attainable in school or on your street…”
Being a Christian in todays society is hard… Ive been thinking about that statement lately and asking myself why is it so hard? How is it that being a Christian these trials are not any easier? Maybe it is not supposed to be hard. Maybe the problem is with us and how we view Christianity… I thought about it for a little while and then God gave me a simple insight on why we struggle so much and how we could fix it. But before I get into that I heard something intriguing in church which was relative to the matter.
The pastor was reading from Matthew 11 and it said, 28“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Wait a minute!? “My yoke is easy”? Being a teenager I thought it was hard. I thought the burden was heavy? It seems we are having a Starburst contradiction!!! Really? Your burden is light? Where have we gone wrong? It goes back to my last blog, where we have to be like children and trust in Him. Remember back to when you were a child. Did you have any real concerns? Were you worried that you wouldn’t have food to eat or a bed to sleep in? No… Why? You knew your parents would do everything they could to take care of you. You TRUSTED them. There was no burden.
Lets go back to my simple insight. Why do we struggle so much? Why is it hard to do what God wants and let Him work in our life? I feel that we have grown too accustomed to being selfish. Filling our lives with junk and useless material things. We are so preoccupied with all the little pointless things in life. Electronics, movies, clothes… we spend more and more on ourselves.
In the movie “Book Of Eli”, the main character says that the main thing he learned from the Bible was “To do more for others than you do for yourself”. That is the number one thing he got from it? How many of us actually do MORE for others than ourselves? I know I havent… So how do we fix this? Well What would Jesus do? HE WAS A SERVANT!
I believe that if our heart is right with God, then all we need to do is spend more time serving others and spend less time indulging in things for ourselves. It’s that simple. If we used our time more wisely and became a servant like Christ all of our little petty struggles would no longer be relevant and we could delight in His good pleasure. When we start to make more money we shouldn’t spend more, we should use those extra resources to help those in need. I know in the American dream that what I am saying is crazy but its how God instructs us to live. The Book Of Eli, a secular movie even knows that we are supposed to do more for others than for ourselves. No wonder Christians have a bad reputation. What I am saying may not be popular but it is the truth and the truth needs to be spoken.
“”Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”Mat 28”
It has been quite some time since my accident on 6/08/08 and life hasn’t gotten any easier. Yet while it has been a bumpy road to recovery, I have been learning and growing closer to Christ, specifically in one particular area. It’s true, I like all people need improvement in all areas but God has been working on me in one special way this year. FAITH! Faith has been the focal point of my development in the Spiritual life. So many mountains… so many choices, pressure that pushes your sanity… I have become less concerned with all the little problems and “worries” of the world and have entered into a state of trust. I find myself surprised at how much I have let God take control of all the problems, and all the things He has done.
Recently my wife and I have been concentrating on what was to become of our living arrangement, as our current lease nears an end. Having tight finances and a baby on the way our options have been limited and unappealing. So what do you do in this situation? Look at what you can’t do and stress out about what will happen? Or trust God and know that you are his child, just like any “physical” loving parent you know that they care and want to help you to succeed? Human nature compels you to handle problems yourself because You want to be in control, but that’s not what being a Christian is about. Living in the Christian walk requires you to give up your ways and follow where God leads. So my wife and I have been praying, seeking answers through God and not through ourselves. We have given room to let God be in control and the fruits are showing! God has answered the prayer by giving us a home to stay in where we will rent from a very good friend of mine, that has a two bedroom condo giving us an extra room for the baby and will be in our price range! Praise God for Daniel and his condo! More than likely this will be our home until we can buy a house, which means we wont have to deal with moving for several years. Hoorah!
“When you let God be in control he will lead you down the right path.”
I find myself too distracted to make any journal entries as of late, for I have been spending my time writing a book. All my creative gears have been turning in this one direction even pulling me away from writing any new music. I would have never expected that I, ME, would write a book, especially thinking back to how I never enjoyed reading, but something just came over me and compelled me in this new direction. So I am following it with the creation of a Science Fiction novel based on my vision of the future. It takes place in the late 23rd century and follows the role of a lone mercenary-of-sorts as he gets thrown into a situation bigger than himself having to rely on the people around him. The first book I am writing is titled “The Privateer And The Pirate War”, and if all works out this will be one of many books in a series called Chronicles Of The Galaxy. I already have ideas for two more stories to follow my current main character named Kyle Hayden, and I have another idea brewing for a 4th story that follows a new younger character who starts his own journey away from home. So thats it, thats all she wrote.
One One Dash One Dash Zero Seven
I met a girl who I am just completely infatuated with. We hang out at the Kemah Boardwalk and spend some time looking at the stars on the helipad, nestled at the top of the parking garage. The sky is blanketed in dark blue, decorated with a thousand little candles. The cars headlights appear over the top of the bridge adjacent to the dancing luminescence upon the waves. A hundred boats fill the dock gently swaying into the night. This is where I asked her to be my girlfriend.
One One Dash One Dash Zero Eight
I struggle to walk out in front of the Church. The glass cane was just too insufficient to hold me. My Pastor gives me support to aid in my inadequate and feeble steps. I begin to realize that my suit is a little cramped as I had gained some weight from the death-defying accident. It was only five months ago that the tragedy happened; just a week after I had proposed. Now here I stand in front of current and soon-to-be family with a gaze of admiration toward that same girl I met only a year ago. She slowly approaches me and for a moment the music and crowd fade away. Such a simple moment of bliss staring into each others eyes. The Pastor begins the ceremony, and brings two individuals into a God crafted unity. This is where I said “I do”.
One One Dash One Dash Zero Nine
Its our one year anniversary today! I take in everything that has happened since we first met. Quite a story if you ask me. We have moved 5 times since then, and we have both gone through multiple jobs. There was the accident, the surgery, the hurricane, the wedding, the financial struggle, and the second surgery. Here I sit with my leg inoperable and encased in an ilizarov. The self-sufficient, speed walking Clay no longer exists. I find myself bordering on, claiming full dependence upon my wife for my every need. NO job and no strength, Kathryn carries the burden of our livelihood. Its our anniversary and I offer nothing to the table except my love. The blessing is that LOVE is enough for our happiness to remain constant and true. The pursuit of happiness, a universal goal sought by all and found by few. Even with all physical and financial struggles we remain among the few. ONE ONE DASH ONE, you are the third of the many to come. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
“Thank you Lord for blessing me, Amen.”
I think back to over a year ago, and I remember one day so clearly. The day that has been branded “the worst day of my life”. That “worst day” has had a tremendous impact on my life. It has governed every decision Ive made since then. The effects of that “worst day” still linger like a sour taste in my mouth. So many little choices lead up to that day. A lot of little choices that would be considered irrelevant to the course. A handful of minuscule unplanned events that lead to that exact spot, on June 6th 2008. Where my father had left at the right time which would put him passing me at the exact moment the car in front of me hit the brakes. There are so many little details which laid the course of that day. (just for the record I do not blame my father for what happened that day)
Now, exactly one year and four months later, October 6th, 2009, I will be undergoing a second surgery. It will be an attempt to salvage my leg, and give me the ability to walk again. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work any better than the first but it is my best option. Here is the doctors plan- The gap in the original break (which is about three inches) is too great and from the trauma will not heal on its own. The goal is to shrink the gap and compress the two broken ends together. I have to create three fresh inches of bone.
First he will remove the metal plates and screws that are currently in my leg. Then he will run a metal rod through the center of my bone. He will break my femur up high to make the bridging site. The middle piece which is now separated at the top and bottom will continue to heal at the top as it is slowly slid down the metal rod. It will continue to “lengthen” until the two ends reach creating the docking site. In order to adjust the middle piece I will be outfitted with an external fixator aka, a halo. I am to wear the halo until the two ends reach each other. More than likely, once my leg is healed my knee will no longer bend so I will then have to undergo knee surgery… The doctor said it could be two more years from now before I can walk normal again.
– External Fixator “halo”