As much as I dislike change it is always in effect. Nothing stays same and I am constantly growing as a result. There has been so much change in my life the past three years that it would take SIX years to talk about it all. God has matured me greatly in these growing pains I have experienced, all while having a more intimate relationship with Him. For instance I have always been the person who hated reading and yet God has place a desire in me to read His Word and focus more on Him than myself. I was extremely prideful and have had many humbling experiences weeding out my arrogance and short temper. I could go on forever… Still, in all things I am still human and make mistakes. I pray by the mercy of God that I am not remembered for my mistakes and shortcomings but rather how I strive to be the reflection of Christ as all Christians are called to be.
I know I am a very particular person who has very strong point of views and can easily be very over dramatic about my views and my way. These strong opinions have interwoven with my selfishness which create a disconnected and negative attitude. It is my OCD to voice my opposition to subjects very sternly and I know that is a wrong attitude… In this past year I have been more aware of what I am doing after I have done it and I pray that God helps me to change that habit. There is that word again, CHANGE! I have a little childhood story that reflects my OCD- When I was little I got a bicycle as a present from my parents and instead of being grateful I was unhappy and rude voicing that I didnt want it because it was not wrapped in a box… I made a big deal about nothing all because a gift was not done the way I thought it should of been done. I want to apologize to all that I have forced my sharp opinions on. I realize that everyone does not have to see things my way and that I can share my opinion without making it as if it were law. I apologize to my wife for shooting down her hobbies, to my parents for taking away the joy in things they enjoy, and to my friends for rejecting their ideas. I know that things are not about me and I need to put away my selfishness. Selfishness is and always will be an issue for mankind but with God little by little He can remove all our sinful ways and mold us into servants. Philippians 2:3-5 “Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”
Life is full of trials and temptations that we must face but every time we stay steadfast we will grow stronger and closer to God. It is very easy to become comfortable with where God has you and think that you are “ok” but the way I see it is if you are not growing you are backsliding. I have found myself in a comfortable stage with God since my accident and I prayed that he would help me to mature in Christ and two major events occurred. #1 We are having a baby! WOW… That was not what I had in mind, but God knows best and already I have seen several changes to my view of children and to my attitude in general. To be completely honest I have never really liked kids and often found them to be annoying, but now all that has changed. God has been growing me so that I may be a good Godly father to my son, Corbin, which has indirectly affected the person that I am today. #2 Joining the worship team! I have always had a love for music but my introverted ways have led me away. God is really pushing me out of my comfort zone by adding me to my Church’s worship team and placing me on stage in front of everyone. Standing on that stage is helping me to grow so that I may be a better witness for Christ and use my life as a tool to help others. I thank God for all the work he has been doing in me and pray that he continually pushes my limits, increasing my life as a follower of Christ.
“Thank you Lord for all these things that I have not deserved”
I find myself too distracted to make any journal entries as of late, for I have been spending my time writing a book. All my creative gears have been turning in this one direction even pulling me away from writing any new music. I would have never expected that I, ME, would write a book, especially thinking back to how I never enjoyed reading, but something just came over me and compelled me in this new direction. So I am following it with the creation of a Science Fiction novel based on my vision of the future. It takes place in the late 23rd century and follows the role of a lone mercenary-of-sorts as he gets thrown into a situation bigger than himself having to rely on the people around him. The first book I am writing is titled “The Privateer And The Pirate War”, and if all works out this will be one of many books in a series called Chronicles Of The Galaxy. I already have ideas for two more stories to follow my current main character named Kyle Hayden, and I have another idea brewing for a 4th story that follows a new younger character who starts his own journey away from home. So thats it, thats all she wrote.
My fiance and I have been reading Max Lucado books since my accident, thanks to Pastor/Worship Leader Kenneth. Pastor Kenneth had brought me a Max Lucado book as a gift while I was still in the hospital, and that was the match to the gasoline. We are now on our second book and the last chapter we read gave me clear view to my own situation. Mr.Lucado made mention about when the disciples were on the boat in the storm and Jesus came walking on the water. He states that the disciples were expecting some great miracle, and since Jesus came in a way they didn’t expect; they almost missed the answer to their prayers.
I personally get two strong messages out of that chapter for my accident. The first being, is that I’ve been asking God to help pull me away from my struggles. “Show me a way to the narrow path”, I would exclaim. I really wanted something BIG to steer me back in the right direction. Well as horrible as the accident was, this was the “change” I’ve been asking for, and if it wasn’t for my family and church I probably would have almost missed it myself. Secondly, I realized that God doesn’t always work the way you want Him to. You look for Him to reach out His hand and tell the ocean to calm, or the storm to cease. If you can let go of your standards and look beyond your own perception. You might be able to see how he quietly approaches you in the midst of the storm. If I were to have looked for God by my standards I would have been saying at the time of the accident, “Okay God you can stop time now and sit me gently on the ground, or at least throw some pillows in my path for a soft landing”. No, He came to me in the middle of all the chaos. During the painful surgeries, and Hospital bills. I have had many blessings, from my Lord, through this accident. It’s a miracle from God that I’m even alive. Upon the darkest hours, His blessings are there. The candles are lit if you look for them.
“I can walk on water with Him”