I want to be completely dedicated… Why is it so hard to live for him daily? Selfish decisions, and personal motives… Im sorry that I treat You like an ignored phone call from a distant relative, or a long forgotten pen pal. Lets make our relationship meaningful.
Open my heart, I will become more humble and recieving
Focus my mind, I will lean on your understanding and not mine
Contour my attitude, and I will be slow to anger, doubt, greed…
Forgive me my trespasses, and help me to forgive others of theirs.
The first decade of the 21st century comes to a close. I look back and realize how much the world around me has changed. I was 13 going on 14 in the dawn of the new century, only concerned with what new girl I was going to meet(and avoiding school work)… Now ten years later I am a man. Married. Unemployed… and broken. The people who have been closest to me have changed considerably since then. There was James, Chris, Daniel, then Kathryn and my new Church. The past of old friends and good memories continue to be apart of me, molding me into who I have become. My developing personality had a spike, and many things “new” came and replaced the “old”. The catalyst, a motorcycle accident in June of ’08. Now here I sit still suffering the consequences of that action a year and a half later.
The future is very uncertain. Where I will be going from here is a coin toss… Though I am weak and a sinner I put my hope and trust in God. HE alone will help keep me vigilant for what is to come. It is hard to stay narrow when I make it to Church only once a month. With all thats transpiring in my life and my lack of physical independence I am forced to take what is offered. This is that point in life where being choosy is not an option though I pretend it is. None the less I have my Bible, my Weekly Wisdom Lessons, and the books supplied by my good friend, and brother in Christ, Micah.
I would like to say that my walk with God is in a constant state of growth, but that would be a lie. Now since my accident I have been more focused on what God wants over what I want but I still struggle to give it all over to HIM. My weekly wisdom lesson said recently that, “Many people wouldn’t dare going physically hungry; yet they starve themselves spiritually. If you ate food only once a week, you’d certainly die of starvation and malnutrition. Yet countless Christians do exactly that in their spiritual lives.” I know that I can be guilty of this. despite all of that I can say on the positive side that, knowing your problems is the first step to correcting them. One step at a time my wife and I march into the future.
“To walk, is to be blessed”
Ok so there has been a monumental change in my daily life( as said in my last entry). Now instead of having a lack of things to write I have all kinds of things buzzing around in my head. Unfortunately with my new schedule I really dont have the time to devote to writing about them.
I can already tell that school is not going to be a simple task. It is only the second week and I see how easily it is to fall behind.
I am working customer service. cake job. Kathryn is about to begin work for Webster PD, which is going to be rolling in the dough. Finally we are moving up-hill again.
I feel very busy.
I feel a shift in the making, I look around and find something new something changing.
I look back to see in the distance, Somewhere lost beyond the haze a remnants.
though it doesnt always make much sense, like the dying flower it shrinks to a past existence.
Everything I have come to be, has died away reformed and set free.
Its time for the goodbye, the goodbye of a lifetime.
So long to things that were mine, all in all it belongs to the Divine.
The goodbye of a lifetime, this is my new design.
I can feel His everlasting presence, through the blue skies as the wind caresses.
I hear the chorus of an angelic call, when the dark clouds appear and the rain drops fall.
See the strength in the mountains and raging rivers, beyond space time and all the universe
To live for something greater than myself, puts all I used to know on the shelf.
Its time for the goodbye, the goodbye of a lifetime.
Its another morning. Sunny with a nice icy breeze while the sun works its way up. There the date sits in front of me; November 1st… A year ago this day I asked the love of my life to be my girlfriend, and now today is our wedding day. The butterflies already began to unleash havoc, pulling me out of my state of slumber. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling inside. Everything will commence in a new light as the sun reaches mid-day, and I say “I do”. One of the most important decisions of my life are being set in stone. The long car drives and airplanes landing are here for me and the blue eyed beauty gliding down the walkway towards me. Here is the start of many precious memories together ♥ I am also very happy to announce that God has blessed me, for I will not need the crutches to walk on my wedding day. Crutches Vs. Cane! It looks like the cane won!!! I thank God for giving me this love and I pray that all those making this same commitment have a love as strong as ours.
“Vows, rings, and a kiss”
I have come to the terms that I really REALLY HATE crutches….. They are ugly, noisy, and just get in the way. I desire nothing more at this point than to be able to walk by November. As the month slowly creeps up to the doorstep, It feels more and more implausible. Yet I have come a long way as far as the recovery would go. For instance, I can put up to 130lbs on my leg( I only weigh 150). I would start walking with a cane but my leg muscles aren’t strong enough to retain my balance. Not only that, but I have also reached an impass on the bending of my leg. No matter what I do I can’t bend it past 60°. I have come to terms with the fact that it may never pass 60, but I still work on it none the less. It looks very grim to have to take the crutches on the cruise and that fact really makes me feel depressed. Above all I know that everything happens for a reason even though I may be impatient with the way things are.
“Crutches VS. The Cane”
Everyone has there own perception on how the world works. Peoples perception determines what they think is right and wrong. Sometimes peoples perception determines whether they think someone is too skinny, immature, or poor, etc, but where is the line of fact over opinion. That line can become very gray in certain areas of life but even where it is black and white people may still never accept fact over opinion. Why is this? I believe that sometimes there is a lack of understanding, or just a lack of willingness to understand. ………..Just a thought.