A disciples journey

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Twenty-Ten

The first decade of the 21st century comes to a close. I look back and realize how much the world around me has changed. I was 13 going on 14 in the dawn of the new century, only concerned with what new girl I was going to meet(and avoiding school work)… Now ten years later I am a man. Married. Unemployed… and broken. The people who have been closest to me have changed considerably since then. There was James,  Chris, Daniel, then Kathryn and my new Church. The past of old friends and good memories continue to be apart of me, molding me into who I have become. My developing personality had a spike, and many things “new” came and replaced the “old”. The catalyst, a motorcycle accident in June of ’08. Now here I sit still suffering the consequences of that action a year and a half later.

The future is very uncertain. Where I will be going from here is a coin toss… Though I am weak and a sinner I put my hope and trust in God. HE alone will help keep me vigilant for what is to come. It is hard to stay narrow when I make it to Church only once a month. With all thats transpiring in my life and my lack of physical independence I am forced to take what is offered. This is that point in life where being choosy is not an option though I pretend it is. None the less I have my Bible, my Weekly Wisdom Lessons, and the books supplied by my good friend, and brother in Christ, Micah.

I would like to say that my walk with God is in a constant state of growth, but that would be a lie. Now since my accident I have been more focused on what God wants over what I want but I still struggle to give it all over to HIM. My weekly wisdom lesson said recently that, “Many people wouldn’t dare going physically hungry; yet they starve themselves spiritually. If you ate food only once a week, you’d certainly die of starvation and malnutrition. Yet countless Christians do exactly that in their spiritual lives.” I know that I can be guilty of this. despite all of that I can say on the positive side that, knowing your problems is the first step to correcting them. One step at a time my wife and I march into the future.

“To walk, is to be blessed”

///Clay///

Left Femur X-ray’s > Diagram

xray 1

xray 2

Femur 1

One One Dash One

One One Dash One Dash Zero Seven

I met a girl who I am just completely infatuated with. We hang out at the Kemah Boardwalk and spend some time looking at the stars on the helipad, nestled at  the top of the parking garage. The sky is blanketed in dark blue, decorated with a thousand little candles. The cars headlights appear over the top of the bridge adjacent to the dancing luminescence upon the waves. A hundred boats fill the dock gently swaying into the night. This is where I asked her to be my girlfriend.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Eight

I struggle to walk out in front of the Church. The glass cane was just too insufficient to hold me. My Pastor gives me support to aid in my inadequate and feeble steps. I begin to realize that my suit is a little cramped as I had gained some weight from the death-defying accident. It was only five months ago that the tragedy happened; just a week after I had proposed. Now here I stand in front of current and soon-to-be family with a gaze of admiration toward that same girl I met only a year ago. She slowly approaches me and for a moment the music and crowd fade away. Such a simple moment of bliss staring into each others eyes. The Pastor begins the ceremony, and brings two individuals into a God crafted unity. This is where I said “I do”.

One One Dash One Dash Zero Nine

Its our one year anniversary today! I take in everything that has happened since we first met. Quite a story if you ask me. We have moved 5 times since then, and we have both gone through multiple jobs. There was the accident, the surgery, the hurricane, the wedding, the financial struggle, and the second surgery. Here I sit with my leg inoperable and encased in an ilizarov.  The self-sufficient, speed walking Clay no longer exists. I find myself bordering on, claiming full dependence upon my wife for my every need. NO job and no strength, Kathryn carries the burden of our livelihood. Its our  anniversary and I offer nothing to the table except my love. The blessing is that LOVE is enough for our happiness to remain constant and true. The pursuit of happiness, a universal goal sought by all and found by few. Even with all physical and financial struggles we remain among the few. ONE ONE DASH ONE, you are the third of the many to come. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“Thank you Lord for blessing me, Amen.”

My Halo

I think back to over a year ago, and I remember one day so clearly. The day that has been branded “the worst day of my life”. That “worst day” has had a tremendous impact on my life. It has governed every decision Ive made since then. The effects of that “worst day” still linger like a sour taste in my mouth. So many little choices lead up to that day. A lot of little choices that would be considered irrelevant to the course. A handful of minuscule unplanned events that lead to that exact spot, on June 6th 2008. Where my father had left at the right time which would put him passing me at the exact moment the car in front of me hit the brakes. There are so many little details which laid the course of that day. (just for the record I do not blame my father for what happened that day)

Now, exactly one year and four months later, October 6th, 2009, I will be undergoing a second surgery. It will be an attempt to salvage my leg, and give me the ability to walk again. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work any better than the first but it is my best option. Here is the doctors plan- The gap in the original break (which is about three inches) is too great and from the trauma will not heal on its own. The goal is to shrink the gap and compress the two broken ends together. I have to create three fresh inches of bone.

First he will remove the metal plates and screws that are currently in my leg. Then he will run a metal rod through the center of my bone. He will break my femur up high to make the bridging site. The middle piece which is now separated at the top and bottom will continue to heal at the top as it is slowly slid down the metal rod. It will continue to “lengthen” until the two ends reach creating the docking site. In order to adjust the middle piece I will be outfitted with an external fixator aka, a halo. I am to wear the halo until the two ends reach each other. More than likely, once my leg is healed my knee will no longer bend so I will then have to undergo knee surgery… The doctor said it could be two more years from now before I can walk normal again.

Halo

– External Fixator “halo”

///Clay///

I Hate Baseball And Its Curve-Ball

Its been a while since I’ve made my last entry… Life seemed to become a little more “normal” filled with errands, work, and school. We even played with the idea of buying a house. I felt like that even though I wasn’t 100 percent physically, I was living my life like I used to (just slightly more busy). Once again life throws a curve-ball at me. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan.

I am reaching the end of my summer school classes and have already registered for Fall classes. Five to be exact. That’s a lot of classes, but luckily for me right at the same time I will be getting laid off from work. That way I can focus directly on school. It seems as though the tough times the country is facing has reached me in my job. Yet it all seemed to be working out. Kathryn works and makes enough to support both of us while I finish school.

Another up-side is the fact that now Kathryn has insurance so I can move forward with my “bum” leg. In fact I had my first doctor visit today through Dr. Vander-something… I’ll just call him Dr.Van. Dr.Van was one of the doctors recommended to me by my friend Daniel. Dr.Van did some X-rays and gave me his diagnosis. HERE’S WHERE THE CURVE-BALL COMES IN. It turns out my leg is worse off than I thought. The rundown is my femur bone is all funky and has not been growing so I need a bone graft(I expected that) and my alignment of the plate and my knee are slightly off. Off by a mere 6 degrees causing a slight bowed leg. This is damaging my knee and will cause severe arthritis on one side. Dr.Van is sending me to see a doctor in Houston who he says is one of the best to deal with my “delicate” disaster. Dr.Van says I have two options. I can take the long safe route, or the shorter and less predictable route. The long route is to have the obvious bone graft, and have the metal removed from my leg so it can be realigned and then install an external fixator. The shorter path is to have the afore said bone graft, and a repeat of my original surgery. Go in remove the metal, realign everything and put in new metal plates and screws. Either way I have to have extensive surgery with another lovely week stay in the hospital. Its the anti-vacation resort.

Now lets step back and take a look at the full spectrum of this proceeding. All the goals I have been setting up are now being altered or postponed. As far as my normality goes, its being sent back to square one. Then theres school… I have to go and explain that I have to drop my classes so I can have surgery (hoping that I can still finish under the same parameters I originally set up). House hunting, well you can just forget that. Even though we have insurance its still gonna take bite out of our money. One thing I have learned about planning is that, “the only thing that you can rely on in life to not change is the fact that everything will change”. Your mindset will change, plans will change, the course you follow will change. This rearrangement scares me. I am afraid of the pain I have to endure for the second time. The nightmare of my past comes alive to haunt me once more.

“Everything Changes”

Change of Pace

Ok so there has been a monumental change in my daily life( as said in my last entry). Now instead of having a lack of things to write I have all kinds of things buzzing around in my head. Unfortunately with my new schedule I really dont have the time to devote to writing about them.

School-

I can already tell that school is not going to be a simple task. It is only the second week and I see how easily it is to fall behind.

Work-

I am working customer service. cake job. Kathryn is about to begin work for Webster PD, which is going to be rolling in the dough. Finally we are moving up-hill again.

general-

I feel very busy.

///Clay///

Lifeless Like A Corpse

It seems that lately my mind has been stuck in some sort of rut. I haven’t had any new insights, or even felt like Ive grown or changed in any way the past month…. The lack of inspiration has caused a lack of thoughts and ideas for writing in my journal. I feel like I have been coasting through this past month on autopilot. Stuck in a mundane routine that is draining the very life-force out of me. I like things being simple, and leading a fairly simple life. Too much complexity would just cause stress and unhappiness in life but it seems that the opposite is true as well. It seems that life has been too simple this past month… So simple that I feel dead. Reluctant to get out of bed and once I am out of bed I dont want to move or do anything. If I didnt know any better I would say that these were symptoms of depression. No… the lack of motivation has seemingly spread. Infecting me like a virus turning the many quiet hours where I sit at home and wait for fellowship from my wife into a poison. a poison that is eating my morale and consuming my energy.

In light of all these things it appears the natural course of life is about to change all that. My non-existent life is being rolled up into a ball and tossed into the flames. I am going from nothing to having a full-time schedule, filled with work and studying of things that make absolutely no sense to me. The mundane routine that has been the center of this void is about to be disfigured and rearranged to create a pattern of change and filled schedules. I pray that this drastic change wont take a toll on me. That this disruption in my current pattern will not be too complex to where life is not enjoyable.

“blank”

///Clay///